Matthew Ferry's Blog

This is a continuation of the post “I’ve got a soul mate attraction list, now what?”

I asked my client to make a list of what he wants his soul mate to expect from him.  He did it.  The list was two pages long.  Here was my response:

As I look at your list, I feel like you are over-promising and might be trying to look good rather then be authentic about what someone should expect from you.

I believe that this will lead to broken expectations which will get you in hot water and guarantee the relationship suffers.  Not that you don’t want to be all that you have said… but I would be willing to bet that many of the things you put on your list are fantasies about what you “should be” if you were “good enough”.  Reconsider the list and eliminate anything that fits in the realm of “If I’m going to be a good mate, then I should be like that!”

Making promises to look good creates a life experience of powerlessness and domination.  You will actually start hating the life that you are living and you will blame the world.  The fact of the matter is your world is your creation.  You created it by defining the expectations of others.  What people expect of you, is what you have asked them to expect of you either deliberately or not.  Most of the time it’s not deliberate.

Because you have never been in life coaching before, you have never taken the time to consider what expectation you have created.  Therefore you life feels like an outside force you have to “deal with” verses a set of promises you made that you are now resisting.