People are liars.
Why do I say that?
In general, people will NOT tell you what they really think.
Let me give you an example.
One of my sons tends to be negative by nature.
His default style of communication implies things are bad or wrong.
It’s so ingrained in him that he naturally starts many of his sentences with “The problem is…” or “No, it’s…”
Even the most benign issues are subject to his criticism and judgement.
Which is fine except Kristen and I find ourselves reacting his negativity all the time.
For example. Kristen will say “Hey let’s take the boys out to dinner someplace special” and I reply “He won’t like where we want to go, and I don’t want to hear him complain, so let’s just stay home.”
This happens at our house all the time.
We want to go to the movies, to the store or out on an adventure but we stop ourselves because we don’t want to create a situation for this kid to bitch.
Now, if you are parent, you are asking yourself “aren’t you giving this kid a lot of power?”
Well, yes, and no.
In the end, we do everything we want… just not with him… and often without his brothers.
If I am being honest, it’s a bummer for our whole family.
It breaks down like this:
A. We don’t want to set up a situation where he is a no, and then have to deal with his resistance to what we suggest (a restaurant, for example).
B. We don’t want to set up a situation where he gets to dictate what the family does, and further reinforce that his instant “no” is OK and should be accommodated.
So, everyone loses.
AND THAT BRINGS ME TO MY POINT.
Where are you an instant no in your life?
Where do you naturally say things like “oh, I can’t” or “it shouldn’t be that way.” or “I don’t like that”?
Where are you subjecting others to your criticism and judgement without thinking?
Let me tell you a monster secret: Even positive people have negative tendencies that others don’t really like.
Of course, people will listen to you.
They will pretend to care.
They may even act like they agree with you.
But in the end, when you are even a little negative, people will naturally avoid situations that evoke your negativity.
So, you miss out on all kinds of things.
How do you know?
When was the last time someone called you up and said, “Hey, I’ve got some time, what do you feel like complaining about today? I am all ours.”
Look people will never say “you know what, I am so happy you don’t like what I’ve suggested. Thanks for cutting my idea down.”
And, I promise no one has told you “I love it when I make a offer a solution, and you tell me all the reasons that it won’t work. Awesome. I love that part of you.”
Look, you are training the people around you.
They know if you are generally a yes or a no. They know what you like to criticize and judge.
They know if they should risk telling you something that you will bitch about.
And they are lying to you… because they aren’t being honest that they are holding back, and not including you in opportunities, or events, or in business dealings because they know that you love to voice your objections.
Look, I want you to achieve your biggest goals.
Today, I am inviting you to look around your life, and see where things are stuck.
Where are you unhappy? Where do you wish things were a little different?
When you have the courage to do that, then you will have the courage to notice were you are the one being negative, being a no, or relating to that thing like it’s a problem.
Once you see it, you can do something about it.
So, here’s my request. For the next 24 hours count how many times you are a “no”… just count. And then send me an email.
Let’s do this.
As a student and teacher of influential language patterns for over two decades, I love setting intentions.
The other day a gentleman named Ed emailed me one of his intentions: To believe in my ability to consistently produce the results needed for success, regardless of the Market or my circumstances.
Very powerful stuff.
I really like how Ed is accountable for his success, no matter what. This is a trait of a high producer.
And, yet something in his intention caught my attention…
The word “consistently.”
Check out the perspective I shared with Ed about the concept of “consistency.”
Have you considered that “consistently” is a standard that you invented? I suspect your standard means “foot on the gas, producing at a high level” or something like that.
This standard for “consistently” tends to ignore the natural ebb and flow of things.
Meaning, the sun isn’t always up. Waves aren’t always crashing on the beach. We aren’t always awake. There are natural ups and downs.
What if you shifted your context so that “consistently” included the down cycles? You’ve certainly had up cycles and down cycles. They are natural. But we think the down cycle is bad, when actually it’s essential.
Today, consider embracing the down cycle as part of the consistently you are looking for, and watch how consistent business really is.
What about you?
Where can you embrace the down-cycle as part of the consistency you want?
Let’s do this.
About a week ago I sent you an email titled Yes, you are that powerful. (If you missed it, click here to read it on my blog.)
After reading it Ash Stevens had a major ah-ha moment. And, she agreed to let me share it.
Before you read her email below, I want you to think about an area of your life where you are stuck… or tolerating… or just not satisfied with how it’s going.
For Ash, it was with her husband. As you are about to witness, she took my words to heart, took responsibility for the way she was perceiving her husband, and KABAM! Everything changed.
You hear me talk about the power of mindset… that mindset is the one change that changes everything. But nothing is as powerful as hearing straight from someone who has experienced first hand.
I think her email will inspire you the way it inspired me. Here is it:
“Sweet baby Jesus! It’s sooooo true! I recently got hit with the idea that all of the issues I was experiencing (or rather, perceiving) with my husband came from me and ONLY from me. As in, all in my mind because my perspective only allowed me to see what I was looking for. My remedy for this was to commit to seeing my husband as my best friend.
No more icky vulnerable BS or defensiveness or feeling attached or taking things personally. None of that! Instead I had to perceive him as my very best friend. A best friend who would always be there. A best friend who cared and was there to listen. A best friend who I could talk about absolutely anything with and have ridiculous simple fun with at any given moment. Let me tell ya…. The effects of this shift in thinking are HUGE!
There’s no way in hell I’m going to type it all out on an iPhone at 11:30 at night, but I’ll tell you this… I had a best friend in him all along. I just didn’t see it. And now that I do I’m loving my time with this guy as much as when we first got together. I can only explain it with two very carefully selected words; f***ing phenomenal. 🙂
To words! To mindset!!!” – Ash Stevens
Where is your perception of a person or a situation dis-empowering you?
Where do you feel stuck, frustrated, or unheard? Is it in your relationships, with money, at work or your self Image?
Once you determine what it is, I invite you to do what Ash did and shift the way you are perceiving or looking at it.
That’s the skill: Learning to shift your context, so you experience of what you really want.
This can be tricky stuff.
It takes practice.
In the end, it’s the path to having more power, more profit and more peace of mind.
I want that for you.
My son is forgetful.
For example, he has developed a nasty habit of forgetting things at home that he needs at school.
Which in itself, isn’t really an issue… except he has an accomplice making sure this habit stays intact: his mom.
Every time he forgets something, she saves the day.
She brings him whatever it is that he needs – whenever he needs it.
So, he has learned that he has the luxury of being forgetful.
Meaning, he doesn’t have to be responsible.
And what I am noticing is that it’s really screwing him up.
He’s figured out that being irresponsible has no consequence… at least for now.
Soon, he will learn how the world responds to a lack of personal responsibility.
Show your college roommate that you forget to pay your bills on time, and see how long they want to share an apartment with you.
Show your professor you forgot to turn in your final exam, and see how your grade comes out.
Show your boss that you forgot to call back a client… over and over… and guess how long you’ll be at that job.
Here’s the deal.
Being responsible is one of the greatest skills we can develop.
In fact, the more responsible you are, the more power, people and opportunities you have.
When you are known for being responsible, people respond.
They trust you, they want to be around you, they want to do business with you.
But when you aren’t being responsible, people notice that too.
Here’s how you can tell if you are side-stepping being responsible:
Blaming others – as if you are weak and helpless.
Blaming the circumstances – like you got stopped in some way and can’t do anything about it.
Acting entitled – like the world should do it for you.
Look, I am confident that you have a lot of responsibility.
Today, I invite you to look around your life and see where you can tighten things up.
Responsibility = Power.
What I am asking is that you take a deeper look.
Where can you be even more responsible for your words… your actions… your responses?
Hit reply and let me know.
Let’s do this.