Matthew Ferry International

You want to join me in doing something outrageous this week?

I’ve got a group of people working with me in my Transforming Fear into Action Class right now. Their assignment is to think of four outrageous actions that would catapult their life forward. Many were having troubles, even after we went through their entire life, rated their level of satisfaction in each category of life (see inspired action coaching page for all 10 categories) and identified what would make life a 10 in that area.

So, here are some ideas on outrageous things you could do this week that would terify The Drunk Monkey and give yourself an opportunity to see your machine in action. When you see The Drunk Monkey trying to survive non-survival situations, you can recognize how foolish it is and choose to live your dreams instead.

1. Start a new diet or exercise program
2. Call someone you have been putting off calling
3. Put a deposit down on a vacation
4. Take a weekend trip
5. Sign up for dance lessons
6. Sign up for a dating service; call someone you want to date
7. Take your current partner on a date
8. Sign up for Marriage Counseling
9. Go to church
10. Pray
11. Take your children out for a special adventure
12. Take a day off
13. Apologize to someone
14. Go hang out with your parents, brothers, sisters etc.
15. Call someone who you know it would make a difference for
16. Feed the hungry
17. Buy yourself something you’ve been putting off
18. Do something you would never give yourself permission to do
19. Call everyone in your family and tell them that you love them
20. Get a colonic
21. Quit your job
22. Leave your current relationship
23. Start a business

DO SOMETHING OUTRAGEOUS!! Something that will disrupt the continuity of your current life and put you on track to live your dreams now, not someday. What will you do, leave me a comment.

Last Thursday 8 people asked me questions about getting their relationship back into top form. I’ve put my answers on my website. Here are the questions I answered.

1. How do you create relationship ecstasy when you have four kids under six years old?

2. We have totally different parenting styles and it gets in the way of the love in the relationship, what do we do?

3. My husband was cheating, how can I get the love back?

4. We are almost divorced, I need some direction.

5. I’m a widow, how do I get my joy return with my new girl friend?

6. I make my husband wrong and I can’t stop, how do I shift it?

7. Is coaching better then marriage counseling?

8. What do you do when there is a breakdown in your relationship?

Check out my answers at www.matthewferry.com/relationshipecstasy/index.htm

They are about half way down the page.8

So what is the source of suffering in relationship?

The Drunk Monkey!

The Drunk Monkey is my nick name for your mind.  You know that little voice in your head that won’t shut up?  You know that thing that is constantly talking, presenting you with images, sounds and commentary?

You know what I’m talking about right?

The voice in your head.  Let me make it totally obvious that you have a voice in your head… Listen to what happens when I tell you this…

“There are no jerks in the world, there are only jerks when you show up.  Being a jerk, is a reaction to who you are.  There are no actual jerks in the world.”

Did you hear all that stuff in your head?

That is your drunk monkey!

You and your partner are not in this relationship alone.  There are four people in your relationship.

1.    You
2.    Your Drunk Monkey
3.    Your Partner
4.    Your Partner’s Drunk Monkey

Have you noticed that your Drunk Monkey doesn’t like a lot of what your partner does?

I hate to break the news but your partners Drunk Monkey doesn’t like a lot of what you do either!

Why?

Because the mind, the talking in your head, The Drunk Monkey is not designed for love, connection, joy, happiness, ecstasy!!

Your Drunk Monkey has one job and one job only… To keep you alive

Until you become conscious, you can not transform automatic thinking patterns that are destructive to your relationship.

My intention is that these writings help you bring more harmony back into your relationship.

My father use to say these for things all the time.  It took me a lot of maturing to understand them.  I believe these four ways of opporating in the world will be of great value in your relationship.  Here they are in order and then I’ll give you my two cents on each.  Show up, pay attention, tell the truth and don’t be attached to the outcome.

1.  Show up:  TV, work, kids, crack berry, email, web surfing… the list of things you can distract yourself with are endless.  If you are committed to making your relationship work, then you must stop what you are doing to avoid the relationship and sit down in front of each other and communicate.  Remember communication?  That’s the thing you did when you were madly, deeply in love with each other.

2.  Pay attention:  Your partner is sending you signals.  They are telling you what they like and dislike.  When you first started being together you were hyper sensitive to these signals and adjusted your behavior accordingly.  Now that you have been together for a while, your Drunk Monkey begins to sabatoge the relationship.  Today, pay attention to what signals your partner is sending you.  They are probably sending you signals that say “Why don’t you like me any more?”.  Consider even though you like them, doesn’t mean they get that.  Your current behavior may be sending mixed signals.

3.  Tell the truth:  Brutal!  The Drunk Monkey loves lying and holding back the truth.  Psychological warfare is the name of the game in long term relationships.  The Drunk Monkey tells you to lie about how you are feeling “I’m fine!”.  This is a form of self defense.  WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU THINKING!!!!  Your partner isn’t even attacking you.  PLEASE READ SOME OF MY EARLIER POSTS.  Ok enough ranting. :-)  The more intimate, bold and loving thing you can do is say how you really feel even if you know your partner will not like it.  To bad if they don’t like it.   The truth will set you free but first it pisses you off.

4.  Don’t be attached to the outcome:  Consider your fear of being abandon is causing your partner to distance themselves form you.  Consider your fear of having your feelings hurt is causing your partner to be abusive.  Consider your desire to not rock the boat is causing your partner to make waves.  Don’t be attached to the outcome of your communications with your partner.  It’s going to take a while to get back to intimate, authentic and close.  At first you are going to say stuff and they will react which will cause you to react.  Notice your reaction and then let it go.  Keep being unattached to how the conversations are going.

I’ve got a client who is the president of a major company.  He coaches with me and his wife coaches with Roya (another coach on staff here at MFI)  He and his wife have been on the verge of divorce for a few months.  Roya and I have been working with them on these four steps and the many others I have illistrated in previous posts.

He shows up, pays attention, tells the truth and she still reacts in a way that pisses him off.  In other words, he’s still attached to the outcome.  He expects that suddenly because he is making an effort she is going to magically let go of all the sh*t she’s been holding him hostage with.  So he quits and goes straight back to defensive mode which plummets the relationship back into suffering.

He must maintain a state of detachment.  Like a scientist would regarding an experiment.  He must admit he no longer understands how to communicate with her.  Therefore he must keep trying different things until he discovers the process she now prefers.  Being unattached gives you major power because it makes you flexible.  Flexibility gives you options and options give you power.

In the life coaching process I am constantly confronted with my clients relationships not working.  I say it over and over, “Your partner isn’t anything until you show up! If you change your approach, they will change in a blink of an eye.”

I just got off the phone with a client who is on the verge of divorce.  He is blaming her!  “She’s this!  She’s that!  I can’t deal with it!” he says over and over to me.

“That’s total bull sh**!” I say to him. “You put her with a group of people who accept her behavior and aggree with her perspective, she will be loving, affectionate and kind… It’s all you dude!

Here’s the bottom line.  His Drunk Monkey (his mind) has declared him the all seeing, all knowing ruler of the universe.  Clearly he knows best.  Obviously everyone should change their behavior to meet his expectations.  My client has declared himself the Lord of the Universe and his declaration is killing off his relationship.

He is unconscious of his righteous position.  He doesn’t “think” she is wrong.  He “knows” she is wrong.  He has mistaken his beliefs for natural law.  Very common.  All wars are based on this eronious notion that what you think is right and valid.  What you think is just what you prefer.  What you prefer is what you were trained (like a dog) to believe was right by the group that raised you.

***Step One To Creating Relationship Ecstasy***

Recognize that you are unconscious.  Notice how you are your Drunk Monkey’s puppet.  You are reacting.  Your spouse/partner (what ever you want to call it) is behaving in ways that contridict your opinion.  Your opinion is the source of suffering, not your partners behavior.  They are just doing what they are doing and you are reacting.  Which, by the way, causes them to react back.  Which you then use as validation that you are right!  “See!!!  She’s doing it again!!!” you say.  But what is your Drunk Monkey really saying “I’m a powerless little victim and if I bitch, moan and cry then people will pay attention to me and validate my significant existance”

The moment you become conscious, you can choose your reaction and the relationship will instantly get better.  Your partner will not have done a thing.  It’s all you.

Matthew

P.S.  Are you joining me this Thursday on my intro to Creating Relationship Ecstasy Teleseminar?  Here’s the link www.matthewferry.com/relationships

Ecstasy; Intense joy or delight.  Wow, when was the last time you felt that in your relationship?  Here is something that helps me maintain that with my wife Claudine.

First I always keep tabs on my mind, I call it The Drunk Monkey.  My mind seems to be on the look out for anything that might be dangerous about my wife.  Hello!!!  Do this seem strange to you?  The Drunk Monkey actually tries to protect me from my own wife.  When I get caught up in it’s crazy hallucinations, ecstasy gone!

Second I keep a list of all the things I appreciate about Claudine on my black berry.  Anytime I’m feeling a little grumpy, I just review the list “Oh yeah!  I like my wife!! I forgot!!!”  Simple but profoundly effective.  Ok more later.

If you haven’t signed up for my next free call, I’m going to reveal five ways to create relationship ecstasy.  Check it out www.matthewferry.com/relationships

You know what to do, but how often do you do it? Consider you do what you have structure for. If you want to have an amazing relationship, then you must create the structure to have it.  What is structure?  Its the promises you have made either purposely and not.  It’s the disciplines you have in place.  Structure is an agreement.  Structure is the set of expectations that people have of you.

What structures do you have for your relationship?  What expectations have you created?  What conversations are you forwarding by consistently bringing up?  What promises have you made and kept or broken?  What disciplines have you put into place to keep the peace in your relationship?  How often are you communicating about what is important?  Do you have rules about communicating?  Do you know your partners expectations about communicating?

My intention with todays post was to get you thinking.

The Drunk Monkey, your mind, is committed to keeping you alive. Therefore it spends time proving it’s conclusions. All of your conclusions about life, your opinion about how life is, are just observations filtered through all of your other observations. Which means, our opinions are very skewed and off base.

Your partner, lover, significant other does something that contradicts your opinion. In your family you never yell at people. In your partners family they yell and scream when they feel anger. This yelling and screaming contradicts your opinion about how things “should” be. The Drunk Monkey deems it a threat and next thing you know you are operating like your partner is bad and wrong!

From that point on, this perceptions becomes self reinforcing. Anytime your partner reacts in a way that contradicts your opinion, The Dunk Monkey says “See! I told you he/she is wrong!”

Today just notice how you say you love this person in your life, yet you have a laundry list of things are wrong about them. That if your partner were to be perfect, they would do everything the way you deem right.

As a life coach, I’m constantly supporting my clients in having more conscious relationships. The biggest problem I see is a dubious question, “Who’s wrong?”

The question of “Who’s wrong?” gets in the way of harmony, happiness and peace in the relationship. Ultimately because right and wrong are just opinions. What you think is right, someone else will think is wrong and vice versa. The Drunk Monkey (your mind) is constantly looking out for what’s wrong and then avoiding it or killing it off. This leads to much anger and frustration.

Here is the secret to removing anger and frustration in your relationship. Your partner/spouse/lover (I’ll use partner for now on) isn’t anything until you show up. They aren’t mean, stupid, arrogant, self-centered or any other word you can think of until you enter the environment.

I’ve got a client (who shall remain nameless) who believed her husband was totally self centered. I told her he was only self centered when she was arround and to start making a list of at least 10 non self centered things he does every day. Remarkably he shifted before her eyes!

She sent me an email, “How did you know my husband wasn’t a dead beat?” My reply was simple, “I don’t know anything about your husband, I just know that when you are focused on who some is a dead beat that’s how they show up. And when you focus on what you like about them, that’s what shows up.”

Hey Friends:

My good friend and mentor Renee Swisko has a healing course that starts tonight, just for us!

This is your last chance to register - check it out here:  Healing Teleseminar