The frustration was palatable. If being a personal development devotee was a Ferrari, then I was going 220 mph when I hit the wall.
I remember sobbing uncontrollably. To spare my neighbors, I grabbed a dirty bath towel, put it over my mouth and yelled “What is it going to take?” pleading to some unknown authority on my life.
I am doing everything I am told. I am generous. I tithe. I say affirmations. I journal. I sit at my altar and reflect. I attend weekend workshops. I’ve walked on fire. I’ve done silent retreats. I watched The Secret at least four times. I had my Astrological chart done and had my cards read on a regular basis.
Tears running down my face, I began questioning everything about my journey to date.
Where is my abundance?
Where is my life partner?
Where is the happiness, the success and the profound feeling of oneness?
Where’s the MONEY, and all the good things it buys?
How many more “lessons” must I endure?
I completed Landmark Education’s Curriculum for Living. I did all the programs in the Quantum Leap by Peak Potentials taught by T. Harv Eker himself. I wrote a monster check and got myself into Mark Victor Hansen’s Inner Circle. I was a regular at Center For Spiritual Living in Seattle. I volunteered and raised money for a non-profit helping low-income women. I studied Rich Dad Poor Dad and learned how to buy rental property as a single woman… yet another demonstration of my commitment to being happy and successful.
I was brave. I was faithful. I pushed through the doubts, and worry. I kept my eye on the prize.
I wasn’t just a casual participant in anything I did. I showed up. I stayed through every session. I lead accountability groups, and networked and was a leader at every turn.
I wrote 4 and 5 figure checks to find what I was looking for. I was all in. I traveled to Canada, and across the US unshakably certain that somehow I would crack the code. I was sure my unique cocktail of personal development, spirituality and self-help would produce the life I wanted.
From 1998 to 2008 I invested tens of thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours of my time in pursuit of an abundant, joy-filled life.
In 2009 I went broke.
Looking back, I now realize my devotion self-help and spiritual practices did NOT deliver the actual life I wanted (and I had a pretty darn good life), but in many ways, they became a rubber crutch that buckled under the weight of the rituals and routines I thought would deliver my big goals and dreams.