You’ve got to start to look at what you are holding people accountable to. If you’re reacting negatively to someone, it’s because you think that they should behave differently than what you’re getting from them. And if you think they should behave differently, then you’re holding them accountable to something that they never signed up for. So you’ve got to identify these “rules” that you’re holding people to.

The second thing that you want to look at is what’s triggering you. Why are you allowing the drunk monkey in you head to run the show? When I get triggered, I take a deep breath, and I say, “What’s triggering me right now? Am I feeling like I’m going to lose something? Do I feel like I’m going to somehow be embarrassed? Is there something making me feel like I’m going to get hurt in the future?” You need to think about these things because none of those things are true. You’re not going to be embarrassed by other people’s behavior. Now, you might allow yourself to be in a situation where you say, “That person shouldn’t behave like that, and it’s affecting me,” but it’s only because you’re allowing yourself to do that. It’s not the truth. When they behave however they behave, it doesn’t reflect on you, per se. And if, in some way, it cast a shadow on you, through your communication you can dissolve it and you can create a new way for people to see you.

So, ultimately, you’ve got to look at what standards you are holding people accountable to and what is it exactly that you’re reacting to. And if you can see those two things, wow, you can let it go very, very quickly.

One of the things that we do in the Inspired Action Weekly is we report once a week on what’s going on. So many of the reports are, “My relationship with my spouse is so much better. She’s changed. He’s changed. My kids, they’re becoming these amazing people.” And I keep sending back replies, “No, they’re not. They were always this way. It’s you changing your perspective. You’re becoming more accepting, more appreciative, more honoring.”

When you’re happy, when you’re satisfied, when you’re fulfilled, when you’re lit up, when you’re excited about life, everyone around you seems better. But they’re not. They’ve always been this way. It’s just that, when you’re down, glum and bummed out, everyone around you seems the same way. The world is a reflection of you. It’s mirroring your attitude, your ideas, your thoughts back to you. You see yourself in others.

In my audio coaching series, “Ridiculous Bliss,” I talk about what you need to do to let go of the negativity about your family members, so that you can engage them again, and get back to that place of love, harmony, and peace. What do you need to let go of?

See, nobody else needs to change to make you happy. The only thing that needs to change is your opinion. Your opinion is holding you hostage, not your family members. Just notice how you have opinions about things that you know nothing about, and that you have opinions about things that aren’t even the truth. You’re holding your family members accountable to agreements that they never even made.

You may be thinking, “Well, my parents should be like this.” The word “should” is a word from a victim. “Should,” “have to,” “must,” “need.” Those are nothing more than words of a victim. Give that up so that you can be in harmony with the people around you, and watch your happiness soar.

You never chose it. And because you never chose it, it isn’t necessarily the truth for you. And yet, you get mad when people don’t see the world the way that you see it. You get upset when people don’t behave the way that you think they should behave, like you’re the all-knowing, all-seeing being of the world, like we should all bow down to your infinite wisdom.

Give that up. The truth is you have no idea how the world is supposed to be, and yet, you’re holding people accountable to agreements that they never made. And the only person who suffers is you.

And the smell, the pheromones, when they go into your nose, will tell you if a person is compatible with you or not. And if they are, you have that incredible ecstasy moment. You know what I’m talking about? When you first come together with a new lover, it’s so amazing. Like the energy, the rush, the high is just unbelievable. But then after about 18 months, it goes away. And by that time most of us have either gotten into a very committed relationship because we were hoping that this high would stay or, you know, we’d marry the person or whatever.

But here’s the bottom line. It is after the bug poop smell factor wears off that you now actually have to create a relationship. And the issue that you’re going to face is that you were trained to believe that your way of operating in the world is the right way and that your spouse, mate, significant other’s way is the wrong way.

And that creates conflict. Most marriages these days, more than 50 percent now end up in divorce. There are so many people today who are single later in life. People are waiting to get married until their late thirties. Twenty years ago they would have thought the person was a loony, right? All people were married in their twenties, for example.

But today more than ever we have not yet figured out how we can come together and stay together. The key is to understand that the drunk monkey in your head is holding that person accountable to agreements that they never made and to realize that the way that you think that people should behave is not even your belief. You were conditioned like a dog to believe that. The people in your life conditioned you.

So what you want to do is you want to practice accepting your mate exactly the way that he or she is. Accept them exactly the way they are. Every time you get upset, I want you to notice you’re getting upset because they’re not fulfilling on some accountability that they never agreed to and every time you get annoyed if they’re breaking an expectation they didn’t even know existed. They didn’t know you – they don’t have a crystal ball. Let it go and watch what happens. You will see your happiness, your bliss, your joy go through the roof.

You can’t help people when you think that way. You can’t come from a place of righteousness. “I’m right and you’re wrong” does not work.

People will see the light in you. When you are accepting. When you are appreciative. When you are honoring. When you’re open. When you are practicing total and complete acceptance of all people in all situations at all times, including yourself. Well, guess what, people will be attracted to that. And the people who see the light will want to be around you and the people who don’t see the light won’t want to be around you.

So, stop trying to convert people and just know that everybody is on their own path. Everybody is doing the best they can. Nobody is doing anything wrong. That’s just your opinion. So consider that you’re judging people for being negative. Well, that’s like being negative about being people who are being negative, so cut that out. Just let people be the way they are.

You are not the ruler of the universe. You’re not in charge of how people are supposed to be. So, chill out, man. Relax. Go with the flow and just notice how much easier your life is.

The moment I see that there is a lot in my life that is working right now, I start to feel good again. The moment I feel good, I am more attractive. When I feel good, I am more charismatic. When I feel good, I’m smarter about stuff. When I feel good, I can take more effective action. When I feel good, I can say the right thing, do the right thing, you know, it’s just like you get in that flow. It’s all about your perception.

Stop trying to convert your lover, your spouse, your partner over to your tribe. They don’t want to convert. Instead appreciate, honor, accept. Why don’t you make a list today of ten things that you appreciate about your lover, your husband, wife, spouse. Make a list of ten things and just review it tonight before you go to bed. Review it tomorrow night, too. In fact, review it for the next week. See what happens when you focus on the things that you appreciate about the person that you’re in a relationship with. You will see the bliss, the joy, the happiness increase exponentially and you’ll discover they didn’t need to change. You needed to change.