What to do When You React Negatively to the People You Love

Dated: date February 21, 2011 – 1:20 pm

Recently, one of my clients wrote to me with the question, “What do I do, when I find myself reacting negatively to the people that I love?” And I start by saying, let’s define love. I say that love is acceptance, total and complete acceptance of all people and all situations, at all times. Now, that’s not easy to attain. Why? Because we have built-in reactions that occur, and I think my client put it so succinctly, “I find myself reacting negatively to the people that I love.”

You’ve got to start to look at what you are holding people accountable to. If you’re reacting negatively to someone, it’s because you think that they should behave differently than what you’re getting from them. And if you think they should behave differently, then you’re holding them accountable to something that they never signed up for. So you’ve got to identify these “rules” that you’re holding people to.

The second thing that you want to look at is what’s triggering you. Why are you allowing the drunk monkey in you head to run the show? When I get triggered, I take a deep breath, and I say, “What’s triggering me right now? Am I feeling like I’m going to lose something? Do I feel like I’m going to somehow be embarrassed? Is there something making me feel like I’m going to get hurt in the future?” You need to think about these things because none of those things are true. You’re not going to be embarrassed by other people’s behavior. Now, you might allow yourself to be in a situation where you say, “That person shouldn’t behave like that, and it’s affecting me,” but it’s only because you’re allowing yourself to do that. It’s not the truth. When they behave however they behave, it doesn’t reflect on you, per se. And if, in some way, it cast a shadow on you, through your communication you can dissolve it and you can create a new way for people to see you.

So, ultimately, you’ve got to look at what standards you are holding people accountable to and what is it exactly that you’re reacting to. And if you can see those two things, wow, you can let it go very, very quickly.

Posted in Life Coaching, relationship help | tag Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , comments Comments (0)

Your Happiness Changes the World

Dated: date February 16, 2011 – 2:36 pm

Something that I want you to notice is that nobody else is really ever changing. What is changing is your perspective or point of view. So many of my friends who are engaged in the Inspired Action Weekly program are radically changing their point of view, and they’re becoming so much happier, so much more attractive, so much more productive.

One of the things that we do in the Inspired Action Weekly is we report once a week on what’s going on. So many of the reports are, “My relationship with my spouse is so much better. She’s changed. He’s changed. My kids, they’re becoming these amazing people.” And I keep sending back replies, “No, they’re not. They were always this way. It’s you changing your perspective. You’re becoming more accepting, more appreciative, more honoring.”

When you’re happy, when you’re satisfied, when you’re fulfilled, when you’re lit up, when you’re excited about life, everyone around you seems better. But they’re not. They’ve always been this way. It’s just that, when you’re down, glum and bummed out, everyone around you seems the same way. The world is a reflection of you. It’s mirroring your attitude, your ideas, your thoughts back to you. You see yourself in others.

Posted in Inspired Action, Life Coaching, relationship help | tag Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , comments Comments (1)

Improve Your Family Relationships

Dated: date February 2, 2011 – 11:33 am

Happiness, ultimately, comes down to family. A Pew research project, from the Pew Research Center, did a 44-country study. They found that the biggest factor in happiness, across the board with people, was family. Many people struggle with family relationships. Who do you need to forgive so that you can engage your family more deeply? What do you need to give up?

In my audio coaching series, “Ridiculous Bliss,” I talk about what you need to do to let go of the negativity about your family members, so that you can engage them again, and get back to that place of love, harmony, and peace. What do you need to let go of?

See, nobody else needs to change to make you happy. The only thing that needs to change is your opinion. Your opinion is holding you hostage, not your family members. Just notice how you have opinions about things that you know nothing about, and that you have opinions about things that aren’t even the truth. You’re holding your family members accountable to agreements that they never even made.

You may be thinking, “Well, my parents should be like this.” The word “should” is a word from a victim. “Should,” “have to,” “must,” “need.” Those are nothing more than words of a victim. Give that up so that you can be in harmony with the people around you, and watch your happiness soar.

Posted in relationship help | tag Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , comments Comments (0)

How to Instantly Improve Your Relationships

Dated: date January 17, 2011 – 9:50 am

If you want to be happier, more fulfilled and satisfied in life, then you need to stop holding people accountable to agreements they’ve never made. You know, you were raised by a group of people who basically conditioned into you. You were domesticated to believe that you should walk like this, move like that, talk like this, be like that, think these thoughts, see the world in this way, but you never chose the way that you are.

You never chose it. And because you never chose it, it isn’t necessarily the truth for you. And yet, you get mad when people don’t see the world the way that you see it. You get upset when people don’t behave the way that you think they should behave, like you’re the all-knowing, all-seeing being of the world, like we should all bow down to your infinite wisdom.

Give that up. The truth is you have no idea how the world is supposed to be, and yet, you’re holding people accountable to agreements that they never made. And the only person who suffers is you.

Posted in Life Coaching, relationship help | tag Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , comments Comments (0)

Relationships Can Improve When You are Accepting

Dated: date October 25, 2010 – 3:07 pm

Do you have post skin bug poop syndrome? Are you asking “what is post skin bug poop syndrome, Matthew?” Well, here’s the deal. I was watching the Discovery Channel the other day and this scientist was basically showing us how there are bugs that are eating our skin. They are then pooping. That poop is the smell that you are.

And the smell, the pheromones, when they go into your nose, will tell you if a person is compatible with you or not. And if they are, you have that incredible ecstasy moment. You know what I’m talking about? When you first come together with a new lover, it’s so amazing. Like the energy, the rush, the high is just unbelievable. But then after about 18 months, it goes away. And by that time most of us have either gotten into a very committed relationship because we were hoping that this high would stay or, you know, we’d marry the person or whatever.

But here’s the bottom line. It is after the bug poop smell factor wears off that you now actually have to create a relationship. And the issue that you’re going to face is that you were trained to believe that your way of operating in the world is the right way and that your spouse, mate, significant other’s way is the wrong way.

And that creates conflict. Most marriages these days, more than 50 percent now end up in divorce. There are so many people today who are single later in life. People are waiting to get married until their late thirties. Twenty years ago they would have thought the person was a loony, right? All people were married in their twenties, for example.

But today more than ever we have not yet figured out how we can come together and stay together. The key is to understand that the drunk monkey in your head is holding that person accountable to agreements that they never made and to realize that the way that you think that people should behave is not even your belief. You were conditioned like a dog to believe that. The people in your life conditioned you.

So what you want to do is you want to practice accepting your mate exactly the way that he or she is. Accept them exactly the way they are. Every time you get upset, I want you to notice you’re getting upset because they’re not fulfilling on some accountability that they never agreed to and every time you get annoyed if they’re breaking an expectation they didn’t even know existed. They didn’t know you – they don’t have a crystal ball. Let it go and watch what happens. You will see your happiness, your bliss, your joy go through the roof.

Posted in Featured | tag Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , comments Comments (0)

How To Get Others to See the Light

Dated: date October 11, 2010 – 1:09 pm

I have a client that says, “Matthew, how do I get other people to see the light, man? I want them to get into ridiculous bliss with me. So many people, they are just pissed off and miserable and they are agitated and negative and they are stuck. I want to help people get out of that.”

You can’t help people when you think that way. You can’t come from a place of righteousness. “I’m right and you’re wrong” does not work.

People will see the light in you. When you are accepting. When you are appreciative. When you are honoring. When you’re open. When you are practicing total and complete acceptance of all people in all situations at all times, including yourself. Well, guess what, people will be attracted to that. And the people who see the light will want to be around you and the people who don’t see the light won’t want to be around you.

So, stop trying to convert people and just know that everybody is on their own path. Everybody is doing the best they can. Nobody is doing anything wrong. That’s just your opinion. So consider that you’re judging people for being negative. Well, that’s like being negative about being people who are being negative, so cut that out. Just let people be the way they are.

Posted in Featured, Inner Peace, Life Coaching | tag Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , comments Comments (0)
sizegenetics extender