Even Great Parents Screw You Up

I received this question from a client…

“I was in bed thinking about my 5-year-old and the problems he is having with interpersonal relationships at school and a little bit with his nanny. He seems to talk back and he can be a tyrant. Also he is  not quite a big follower of authority. I know sometimes he says to me you don’t think I am smart, so obviously this is in his mind. I thought to myself about a CD where you spoke of playing positive affirmations, I think to baroque music for your son Trevor.”

This was my response…

I thought I was being a really savvy parent using affirmations with Trevor.  Yet, the affirmation thing ultimately backfired on me. One example: We trained him to say, “I am smart!” and later noticed he would not try anything new for fear that he wouldn’t know how to do it and look dumb. Ouch.  His Drunk Monkey took my positive intentions and turned it into something driven by fear.

No matter how great we think we are as parents, our children will misinterpret our actions, our words and our intentions.  The Drunk Monkey’s job is to protect us from the scary world out there.  Unfortunately, every single client we coach (no exaggeration) whether they had wonderful, kind parents or tyrannical, mean parents, they all end up misinterpreting something early on.  No matter how well-meaning the parents were.  This misinterpretation in the broadest terms is, “I’m not safe”.  No matter how great your parents were, you accidentally started to protect yourself from them and the world.

Your son is displaying the same behavior you and your husband displayed before we accomplished the Inspired Action Coaching process together. Before we examined all of your beliefs you had about yourself, others and life… and then shifted your perspective, you were protecting yourself against the world that wasn’t attacking.

Consider this, at some point your son felt threatened, created a misperception about himself, others and the world… And now he simply views life like the threat is real. Why else lash out?  Why else be afraid?  Just like you did for 30+ years before your coaching with me, your son is protecting himself from all the people in the world who are not attacking him. He is retaliating against rules that are not meant to constrain him. His Drunk Monkey is convinced that there is a threat.  Even worse, The Drunk Monkey believes that his own intellect is a threat  as is evidenced by the “I”m stupid” comments.

Here’s the bottom line: After decades of trial and error, I believe a shift in context is the one and only change agent.  All others pale in comparison.  I see this in all the people still looking for the answer at the next seminar they attend.  You know what to do!  You’ve taken the coaching program.  Now help your son see The Drunk Monkey for what it really is.  Free him from fear forever.

How to restore harmony in relationship (video)

As a life coach, I teach people how to let go of resentment and anger towards others.  The more you do this, the happier you will be.

Should she quit or forgive her boss?

Jan is upset! She is an executive for a big time home builder and she’s about to walk out! Her boss, a long time client of mine, is not playing by her rules! In her mind, “He’s undermining me and ruining my reputation.”

Listen to this life coaching call as I walk her through taking responsibility and getting her power back.  Then read her email below.

After this call, not only has she transformed her own childish behavior and turned the entire situation around but is now even more empowered. Bottom line:  This job provides Jan with hundreds of thousands of dollars and she was about to blow it by being the victim and letting her Drunk Monkey run the show.

Listen Here –>

*** Here is Jan’s follow up Email ***
Matthew,  my call with Greg started out with him saying ” What the hell is wrong with you? He then said he was going to give me 4 options…”  I stopped him and told him he had to listen to me. I told him that I had had the great sense to talk to you before the call and he listened. I went through the 5 step process.

To say it went well is a huge understatement. I believe we both had breakthroughs and moving forward my communication with him will be that of a partner, not a servant.

I cannot thank you enough for helping me in a time of crisis.  Greg and I are both very strong-headed and I have no doubt that this could have ended badly. My old self would have walked out yesterday and not looked back. My new self stepped back, evaluated, assessed and reached out for help. I have both you and Greg to thank for that transformation.

Fondest regards,

** By the way, both Jan and Greg agreed to let me publish this because they are aligned with my commitment to supporting people like you, with enlightened tools for profound happiness.

Should she leave him or tame The Drunk Monkey?

Jennifer is stuck!  “I’m married but I’m totally attracted to this other man!  What do I do?”  Listen to this totally impromptu coaching call as I help her realize that The Drunk Monkey is protecting her from her husband.  Listen as we trace the source of the fear all the way back to something that happened when she was little.  And now she is stuck with this fear and it’s running her life.

As you listen to Jennifer, pay attention to the context of the conversations in YOUR head.  The specifics aren’t important to you.  It is how she is relating to life that has her stuck.  If you listen for how you are relating in life, you will get unstuck too.

–> Listen Here

Can you read people?

I just had a discussion with my gym partner. He mentioned that after 15 years of being a sales person, he can tell what type of person someone is as soon as he meets them.

I completely disagree.

I’ve been in sales for 19 years and I’ve trained tens of thousands of sales people. I have noticed that The Drunk Monkey (your mind) is designed to judge, assess and generalize as a safety measure.

You judge people by their facial expressions, clothes, posture etc. You assess the surroundings and the context of your interaction with them and then you process all that data in milliseconds and compare it to the past. The Drunk Monkey then feeds you a generalization about who this person is and what you can expect.

The problem is that you are now pretending to know who this person is. But you don’t.

You can not know somebody’s insides by looking at their outsides.

In my sales training I ask you to stay neutral and find out who the person really is. Ask questions, be curious and engage the mystery. Don’t be quick to jump to conclusions. Your conclusions are just speculation.

To be influential, you must seek to understand someone and move into a state of total acceptance with them. As you do that you will gain deep knowledge of their desires. Now you have the capacity to advise them powerfully.

Join me *Free* for Million Dollar Sales Mindset

Heads up.  I’m doing another powerful free webinar called Million Dollar Sales Mindset.  I’m giving away $40 in bonuses just for registering.  Register Here.  Below is a video describing what I’m up to.

Million Dollar Sales Mindset <= Video on youtube

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