Enlightened Sales Process – Using Empathy and Acceptance

This is part of a presentation I did at my Father’s (Mike Ferry) One on One retreat this year.

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Jennifer Finds The Love For Her Mother

Here is a big win from long time client Jennifer, “Hi Matthew- I had the biggest breakthrough with my mother today. My mom and I have been setting each other off over the last few months. I made the decision to lover her and be a silent observer. What I was doing was causing havic on my life and finances so I flipped the coin so to speak. WOW!!!! My mother has gone from a victim to a person that is attracting all the time and is amazing.. Some of our previous conflicts were extremely worrisome and tiresome and I thought about this and came to the realization that all my making her wrong was boomeranging back towards me…You should see her now…Wow!! I love my mom.”

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How To Feel Ridiculous Bliss During Divorce

Divorce can be brutal on you emotionally.  When my first wife divorced me, I was devastated for a couple of years.  Needless to say, back then I did not understand how to feel bliss and all I had was anger, doubt, fear, disappointment and hurt feelings.

That was 14 years ago and it was the catalyst for a profound transformation in my life.  I’ve sought bliss and found it.  Since then, I’ve supported many of my clients through the process of divorce.  In my program Creating Relationship Ecstasy (which is included in my Inspired Action Weekly Program) I mapped out the process in great detail.  So the question is, can you experience bliss while in the middle of your spouse divorcing you?

The Cost of Ridiculous Bliss During Divorce

You can’t just snap your fingers and have Ridiculous Bliss during divorce.  It’s going to cost you some very valuable emotional attachments.  The Drunk Monkey is very greedy and operates from fear and you will have to confront the illusions it has created and give them up.

The cost of bliss in the middle of divorce is the cost of righteousness. You’re going to have to give up that you’re right and that your spouse is wrong.   If you are not able to acknowledge the validity of your spouse’s reasoning, then you will not feel bliss.

Another cost is going to be the cost of being a victim.  You are going to have to let go of the idea that your spouse is screwing you over and that you are being victimized and that he/she is ruining your life.  You will have to give up the BS story that he/she is causing your life harm. They’re not causing your life harm, they’re simply leaving. And then, you have to deal with that.

Another cost is going to be irresponsibility. You’re going to have to admit that you were part of this process, that you were part of why the person is leaving and that you are equally responsible for the situation turning out the way that it is.

If you are willing to deal with those costs, then you can find yourself back to bliss and get to a place where you start to feel good, feel happy, feel powerful again. Until you are willing to give up these things and submit these costs, you’re going to feel victimized, feel like you are being attacked and believe that your life is being ruined and that things are no good, and that you have no control, that you’re a powerless victim. And, none of these things are the truth and all of those things will make you feel miserable and upset.

Divorce is An Opportunity

You absolutely can feel bliss in the middle of your divorce if you begin to examine or look at your divorce as an opportunity. Begin to dream about possibilities.  Realize that you are now going to grow.  Know that you’re going to the next level. The next phase is beginning. You’re going to have new choices, new opportunities and new possibilities that are going to arise for you out of this.

Breakdown is the beginning of breakthrough.  If you will stay present to that future and what it means and what you can create out of this, you can go into more exuberant, joyous states.

Life Coach Matthew Ferry Life Coaching website http://www.matthewferry.com

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Life Coach Discusses Why Marriages Don’t Work

In very simple terms, “You hold your spouse accountable to agreements they never made!”

We all experience that intense burst of chemicals in our body during the first 18 months of the relationship.  The phrase “Love is Blind” refers to that period in the relationship when we are obsessed with the other person and can not see all the attributes which will later provide conflict.  This is the universe’s way of making sure we mate!

Next we decide to dedicate our lives to each other to hold on to that feeling.  We are all disappointed when the feeling doesn’t last.  Eventually the chemicals in your body (powerful mind-altering drugs) wear off and the real challenge begins.  Love is actually acceptance and not the overwhelming feelings we experience in the beginning.  Again, those feelings are just biological chemicals designed to get you making babies.

Most people’s marriages are a down hill battle from there.  Why?  Because you don’t understand your biology.  Your mind, which I call The Drunk Monkey, is designed to keep you alive longer.  It does that by avoiding the unknown and sticking with the known.  Problem is, you just married the unknown.  This person was raised by a different monkey tribe and they believe the world is totally different.  Everything they do is different and not your way!

You were attracted to your spouse’s differences and now that you have solidified the relationship, The Drunk Monkey treats those differences as a threat.  “She should do it like I do it!” The Drunk Monkey says.  “Hello stupid!  Everyone knows THIS is how it is!” The Drunk Monkey screams in your head as you smile and pretend to be nice.

Most people spend the majority of their marriage trying to convert their spouse to the right way of doing things.  Which, of course, is your way.  And where did your way come from?  You were domesticated like a dog to believe that the world worked the way your parents told you.

Your way isn’t the right way.  Your way is the way you were trained (just like a pet monkey) to do things.  Let your spouse do things their way and you do things your way and life will be really good, really fast.

Total and complete acceptance is the only way back to love.

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Fix Your Relationship Like Jennifer and Powell

Powell,Asher,Me, & MilesToday I received a wonderful testimonial from Jennifer about how controlling her Drunk Monkey positively impacted her marriage.

“I am writing this to anyone interested in creating a relationship beyond your wildest dreams & the affect of working with Matthew Ferry has had for our family – in particular in the area of relationship. My husband and I took the relationship course offered by Matthew and it has transformed the way we think, the way we are, what we create together, and the connection we have with each other and with our children.

When we started the course I blamed my husband for everything. I saw him as someone who if he did this than I would be happy. Not a real powerful place to stand from. It was after taking this course that I realized the power I have to create or destroy my own happiness and how I had been a victim in life and with my husband. I had an attitude of superiority, anger, it was as if my husband was walking around with a target on him at all times and I was just looking for the next thing he did to me or not the way that I wanted. After taking this course it became very clear that I was creating this scenario to play into the cycle I had lived my entire life…of not being worthy, of being a victim. Having this as the general pattern running my life gave me the excuse to make others wrong & from that standpoint I would never have to be responsible for my actions or the life I was creating.
Since taking this course there have been moments where I will fall back and realize very quickly that I am responsible – and I will ask myself – what can I do to create something different that serves our happiness & the happiness of our family. I realized in taking this course that clearly when we are happy in life everything around us is good. Having the power to create our own happiness makes life enchanting, engaging, and one worth living.
Our family recently moved to an area we have been talking about relocating to for the last 5 years, have our third boy on the way and are co-creating for the first time in our life together. What we share together is honest, pure, and the life we have always wanted…This class and work with Matthew has left both of us empowered and for the first time we are life partners supporting and loving each other.

In one sentence…working with Matthew has given us the gift of co-creating a life and love that is unconditional and with out limits.
Thank you Matthew… J”

By the way, let me teach you how to get the monkey under control.  Be on my next complementary webinar this Wednesday.  Register Here

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The misery YOU create in relationships

istock_000007740361mediumOne source of immeasurable misery in relationships is thinking that the past will repeat itself.  Sorry… People have changed, life is different, and nothing is the same today as it was yesterday.

WARNING!  Listen to The Drunk Monkey in your head.  Mine says “Matthew Ferry, you are insane!  There are many things the same today as yesterday you noodle head!”

Look again.  Everything is slowly changing, eroding, degrading, evolving, emerging and transforming.  Especially people.

Yet The Drunk Monkey (your mental chatter) takes a snap shot of today and then carries it forward into tomorrow.  Really bad idea.  Especially with people.

Example:  In the first five years of my relationship my Claudine (my wife) she went from 23 years old to 28 years old.  By that time, the woman I fell in love with had disappeared.  The Drunk Monkey (my mind) was upset all the time.  She would behave in new ways because she had grown and evolved.  This contradicted The Drunk Monkey’s opinion of who she SHOULD be.  I was upset and frustrated a lot.

As my job is to help others let go of the negative for the positive, so being negative isn’t an option.  With further examination, I realized that I was holding her accountable to who she was in the past and had no idea who she was today.  I also realized that this thought process is exactly what killed my first marriage within five years.  “Ah Ha!” The blinding flash of the obvious hit me.  “People change!”  I know that sounds rudimentary and obvious but I GUARANTEE you are holding the people in your life accountable to who they were and you have no idea who they are!

I made the decision that I no longer knew who my wife was, and that I would spend time rediscovering her.  It turned out to be a magical time in our relationship.  Claudine and I now operate from this notion: “I have no idea who you are, so tell me about yourself these days.”

When you don’t expect the other person to be anything in particular, then your expectations don’t get broken and you can stay in a flowing state.

Who are you holding accountable to who they were and not who they are?

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