Paralyzed with Doubt and Fear

Dated: date July 31, 2009 – 9:06 am

Nervous WreckOne of my clients is paralyzed with doubt and fear.  He says  “I wish I knew what I wanted.  I wish I didn’t feel so paralyzed.  Every decision is hard for me.  Why can’t my life be easy like other people?”

The Drunk Monkey strikes again.  Fear and doubt are important mechanisms of The Drunk Monkey (your mind).  Fear and doubt are guiding forces away from potential danger.  The problem for most people, including my client, is that life is not dangerous at all.  Not knowing what to do with your life is not dangerous.  Therefore when you are in fear and doubt just notice how you are hallucinating that something bad is going to happen and you are avoiding that illusion.

The second part of my client’s statement is “Why can’t my life be easy like other people?”.  Again, this is a misperception.  After coaching more than 8300 people to achieve happiness and success I can tell you with certainty that lives look easy on the outside but everyone’s monkey makes it difficult on the inside.

Life isn’t hard.  Your resistance to what life is makes it hard.  If you will pause and see The Drunk Monkey madness in your head for what it is, then you will be able to let it go and move forward again.

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Positive People with Crappy Lives… Why?

Dated: date July 12, 2009 – 7:03 am

SadnessAs a life coach, my job is to help people see the truth so that they can accept it, transform it and move forward. This is difficult for most positive people. Why? Because positive thinking has been taught to so many of us as “the way” when in fact, it is the impact of a particular perspective.

Meaning, when you adopt positive modes of thinking, you are practicing the effect of something else. This makes it inauthentic. Most positive people, when pressed, admit that there are a lot of things they are unhappy about. “But I shouldn’t talk about them Matthew because that is negative!!” they tell me.

Not true. To have a host of areas of your life that you are unhappy with and then be positive about them is like putting your head in the sand. I call it the Rose Garden with the Sewer underneath.

Okay. Positivity is important, powerful and life transforming. But it is the natural affect of being able to accept and effectively dealing with all that doesn’t work in your life. That’s where myself and my coaches come in for most people.

Even more importantly, negativity is really good. Negativity creates desire. Negativity is the seed of creativity. Negativity is the fountain of innovation and change. Without negativity we would all be sitting around doing nothing.

Negativity is not so good when you resist it and can’t allow it to exist in your life.

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Positivity is stupid

Dated: date May 8, 2009 – 9:41 am

istock_000007279725small So many people in the self-help industry preach about being positive when they are on stage.  Then when they are off stage, they throw temper tantrums, get pissed off, are frustrated, worried, and annoyed.  To be honest with you, the whole notion of “Being Positive” is stupid.  Its like saying to a surfer, “Be a good surfer.”  Being a good surfer is the natural result of mastering the skills of surfing.  A positive outlook on life is the natural result of mastering The Drunk Monkey (your mind).

To say to your spouse, “Just be positive!” is ridiculous.

Unless someone has made a commitment to mastering self awareness, they don’t have a chance.  The Drunk Monkey’s job is to keep you alive by moving towards pleasure and away from pain.  The Drunk Monkey uses a wide variety of negative emotions and rushes of endorphins to get you to do it’s bidding.  Consider you have very little control over how you respond to most of life.  Read my other posts on The Drunk Monkey to understand more.

In 20 years of studying human behavior, I have yet to find a person who has adopted a positive mental attitude that isn’t deeply inauthentic.  They are like a rose garden with a sewer underneath.  Polished pseudo-positivity on top with gallons of negative goop underneath.  This is why the world thinks positive people are stupid and naive.

The only way out is awareness.

You must become aware of how your mind, The Drunk Monkey, works.  You must see it in action and realize that your mind not you, it’s a biological mechanism.  This awareness will lead to flexibility in your behavior.  Instead of getting pissed off, you step back and notice other options you could choose that would be more functional.  This new set of options leads to a feeling of power.  When you feel empowered you are naturally functioning in what others might call a positive mental attitude.  Not because you are making yourself be positive, because it’s the natural behavior of a highly functioning individual who is no longer run by irrational fears.

Instead of dealing with what doesn’t work and creating a new context to become empowered inside of it, we try to smooth it over with a thousand affirmations, some new goals and a dream board.  Sorry but it won’t work.  I’ve taught positivity to thousands and people achieve results and still wonder when they are going to feel happy, fulfilled and satisfied.

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How do you maintain a positive mental attitude?

Dated: date February 26, 2009 – 10:52 am

Breakthrough!As a life coach, my job is to support my clients in eliminating negative emotions and utilizing positive emotions to their advantage.

Maintaining a positive mental attitude is difficult because most people are taught to rely on the mind to create this attitude.

Big Mistake

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but being positive is not the mind’s job. Therefore, to “try” to think positive is a full-time job because it contradicts the mind’s real purpose.

The Mind’s Job is Not Positivity

Your mind, which I like to call The Drunk Monkey, is a biological mechanism designed to steer the body clear of danger.  Its primary motive for thinking is to look good to others, to be important, avoid embarrassment, outsmart, out-think, acquire, accumulate and accomplish.

Now it does way more than what I’ve mentioned but I don’t have 10,000 words in a blog post. :) . Check out my class Transforming Fear into Action for a complete examination of The Drunk Monkey’s motives and how to get past them.

So here’s the bottom line. All that talking in your head is designed to keep you alive longer. The problem is that you will die no matter what you think. You will not out-think death.

Now what does this have to do with having a positive mental attitude? If you can see The Drunk Monkey for what it is, a nonstop talking machine trying to keep you alive in a world where you are definitely going to die, then you can stop listening to it in non-dangerous situations.

Most people experience negativity when the world contradicts their opinion of how things “should” be.

For example, talking to your boss is not dangerous, asking someone to help you is not dangerous, and following your dreams is not dangerous.  The quickest way to maintain a positive mental attitude is to see the mind for what it really is.  See the world for what it really is: it is not dangerous.  See people for what they really are: innocent and doing the best they can.  Try it today and see how much better life is.

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