19 Ways Your Inner Child Messes Your Life Up (Revisited)

Back in 2009 I wrote 4 posts that talked about how your inner child messes your life up.  I thought it would be a good idea to revisit them all today.

As a coach, I am confronted with this question on a daily basis,

“How can I feel more happiness and peace in my life now?” 

The answer is simple but most people don’t like the answer.  “Grow up!”  Now I’m not trying to be sarcastic or condescending, hear me out on this one.  Most people are still utilizing behaviors they learned in kindergarten and on the play ground as their tools for success.  And guess what?  It ain’t workin’.

Your so called “Inner Child” isn’t so inner after all.  In fact, it’s quite outer.  One of the most important steps towards happiness and peace is giving up the behaviors you adopted as a child in favor of more conscious, responsible and adult solutions.

Here are 19 ways your inner child messes up your life and ensures you don’t experience happiness and peace.

1.  Self-pity.  Why me?  I’m a victim.  If life was different, then I would be able to be happy!

2.  Jealousy. Being attached to people will make your life miserable.  People will do what ever they do and all you can do is manage your promises, commitments and attitude towards them.  Managing their behavior will only annoy you.

3.  Envy. The Drunk Monkey (your mind) declares, “Now is wrong.  It will be better when you have that stuff over there.”  You will never arrive.  You will never have it all.  We coach people who make hundreds of millions of dollars and they still believe that someday it will all be better when they have more stuff.

4.  Competitiveness. No one is competing with you.  Everyone is trying to get ahead in a world were all the measurements are figments of your imagination.  To compete is to say that there is a way you can be a loser.  You never lose, you just learn.

5.  Temper tantrums. Manipulating people with your anger is something all children learn to do early on.  To continue to use it into adulthood is a guaranteed way to create suffering for you and others.  Most people will opt to not deal with you.  Your life will be small.  You may succeed but your life will be small as in shallow.

6.  Emotional Outbursts. Same thing as above.  If you use this as your way of getting what you want, then you will have a life filled with conflict, struggle, anger and doubt.  You will feel lonely your whole life and not really know why.

7.  Resentments.  If your life is not fulfilling, then this is the number one reason.  This is the highest priority of your Inspired Action Coach.  When you let go of your resentments, everything in your life gets better, and quick.  Standby, I’m going to start uploading some coaching calls where I help people let go of their resentments.

8.  Hatred. The Drunk Monkey loves to hate.  To hate is to demonstrate that you are in control.  To hate is to show the world that you will not be messed with.  But there is one problem.  You get what you focus on.  If you hate, you will bring negative situations upon yourself.  Give it up, today.

9.  Rivalries. To be in a rivalry means you perceive there is a lack of something.  Lack of attention.  Lack of recognition.  Lack of glory.  These are childish misconceptions.  You can always get the attention you deserve.  To be in a rivalry makes sure that you never feel satisfied, even when you win.

10.  Competition. Again.  To compete is to fear that there can only be one winner.  What you seek is the experience you think winning will give you.  Focus on getting that experience and don’t worry about who placed in what order.

11.  Seeking the limelight and admiration. The Drunk Monkey is always trying to be the biggest.  It believes if it is admired by all, then it will survive longer.  It believes if it is admired that it will be able to spread its DNA all over the planet.  Aren’t you ready to grow up?  You are going to die no matter how popular you are.

12.  Willfulness. Isn’t it bizarre how old people display behaviors they developed as 2-year-olds?  Willfulness is just a form of righteousness.  An addiction to being right.  Why?  Because The Drunk Monkey believes that being right will help you survive longer.  It won’t.  It will just make you miserable.

13. Blaming others. To be the victim and not take responsibility is standard protocol for most people.  The truth is, you are not always responsible.  But that’s not a very powerful place to stand.  In the end, there is no blame to be assigned.  There is just the experience you are choosing to have.

14.  Thwarting responsibility. Related to blaming others.  This kindergarten behavior is about declaring yourself powerless.  The only powerful thing to do in your life is take responsibility no matter what.  The person who takes responsibility has options and power.

15.  Making people wrong. This is The Drunk Monkey’s favorite past time.  By making people wrong, you get to be right.  The Drunk Monkey perceives that by being right, you will some how win more favor and stay alive longer.  Maybe you’ll get the more attractive mate if you are more right then others.  Good job, little monkey!

16.  Looking for favor. The class clown.  The know it all.  The helper.  The kiss ass.  They are all looking for favor.  Looking to be more.  Seeking the limelight in hopes of being better then others.  You will get ahead, have it all and still be live with fear and anger if you don’t let go of the idea that something outside of yourself will give you happiness.

17.  Collecting stuff.  The Drunk Monkey believes that more stuff means more life.  By more life, I mean more prestige, more security and more power.  Things do not create any of these effects.  I have seen many clients get the $7,000,000 house and instantly think it is too small or not enough.  Next they are on to the cars, plane and on and on ad infinitum.  What do you think you will accomplish with all your stuff?

18.  Showing off.  It’s all about winning favor and being special for The Drunk Monkey (your mind/survival mechanism).  Apparently The Drunk Monkey believes that if people love and adore it, then it will live longer.  It doesn’t happen and eventually you run out of tricks to show off with.  Then what do you do?  FIND TOOLS TO BE HAPPY NOW.  Good thing you are reading this blog.

19. Petulance. Which means feeling unreasonably irritable or ill-tempered.  Why do we allow ourselves to go down these dark roads?  First of all, no one has ever asked you to question them.  Second, you get so much juice from this kind of behavior.  You get to control people.  You get to manipulate.  You get to be the victim.  All of which messes your life up.

And that does it.  19 ways your inner child messes up your life.  I hope you gained some new awareness from these posts.

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3 Spiritual Perspectives That Accelerate Your Life

When you apply spiritual perspectives to your life, everything accelerates. Your life gets way better, very fast. Here are 3 words to focus on this week.

Willingness: Can you find the joy in what you do? Let go of anything you are resisting. Be willing to do what you are doing 100%. All in. No holding back. It feels amazing when you do. When you feel like that, you are magnetic and attractive to what you want. What you want will come to you very fast. But you have to let go of the resistance. Which leads me to the second word.

Acceptance: Acceptance means you admit that you are not the ruler of the universe. Acceptance means that you allow people and situations to be the way that they are. Practicing acceptance gives you incredible freedom and flexibility. When you are not accepting, you are in resistance. What you resist will persist. This will increase your frustration which is a repelling state. What you want will not come to you when you are resisting. Acceptance transforms and allows you to move something from its current state to something better. The third word is…

Non-attachment: This means that you don’t get involved with other peoples drama. Non-attachment is not being passive, its actually fully participating without being reactive. You don’t allow yourself to get emotionally entangled in other peoples bull shit. It’s not being aloof. It’s not apathy. With willingness and acceptance you are fully engaged but unaffected by the drama.

Very powerful way to operate in the world. Try it today.

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One Day CAN Change Your Life Forever

I’m am ecstatic about tomorrow, March 15th. Why? Because I am hosting The Inspired Action Workshop LIVE in St. Louis!

It’s going to be an amazing, action packed workshop. No matter where you’re starting from, if you attend you’ll leave with a clear understanding of what it is you truly want most in the key areas of your life. You’ll discover and learn how to tap into your greatest passions. You’ll make fundamental decisions, build a plan and begin to act upon it while creating strategies for sustained momentum. All in one day, guaranteed.

I absolutely love hosting my Inspired Action Workshops. There is nothing quite like it out there!

I hope to see you there!! :)

http://www.matthewferry.com/livestlouis/

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3 Actions That Create Happiness

Over the years, I’ve discovered three actions that can guarantee your happiness. To start off, it’s important for you to know that happiness is a skill that anybody can learn. Most people believe that happiness is some kind of circumference that is outside of yourself. To be happy, many people think that have to own a certain thing, live a certain place, make a certain amount of money, etc. They think, “if this thing happens, then I’ll be happy.” Also, a lot of people think happiness is formula. They need certain events, things, etc to all align in order to be happy. “All I need is the Super Bowl, having a cigar, drinking a drink with a hot girl on my side, man, then I’m happy.”

Those formulas certainly have their momentary hit, but long-term happiness is really just a skill. It’s a shift in the way that you’re thinking about yourself and about your circumstances in life. Nothing needs to change to make you happy.

So here are three actions that you can take that will make you happy. The first action is called devotion. What exactly does devotion mean? It’s a way of being. It’s about being in the moment, and doing what you’re doing in that moment to the very best of your ability. When your operating from that standpoint of really focusing in and doing your best, it will create an extreme sense of happiness for you. If you’re doing the dishes, walking the dog, playing with the kids, hanging out with your spouse, with your friends, whatever it is that you’re doing, focus on that and do your best. You’ll be surprised how much happiness you feel in that moment.

The second is to take actions of service. This is about taking your attention out of your own head. Help others, contribute, make a difference, support something. Anytime that you are able take your focus off of you and out of your head, and move it out there into the world, you will experience a sudden rise in happiness. In other words, consider the following. Your unhappiness is just a self-centered focus. So, by getting your focus out there and serving others, your happiness is going to go through the roof.

The last action to take is appreciation. Look at things in a new way, find what you like about people, find what you like about situations, and find things you like about yourself. This is really the anti-mind. The mind, all that talking in your head, is not focused on what’s right, what’s working, what you like, and what you’re happy about. It’s not focused on that. It’s a survival mechanism, so its job is to look for what doesn’t work and then focus on those things. And that, of course, makes you unhappy. So, work to appreciate your situation, the people around you, and yourself, and your happiness will grow exponentially.

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Just Say Yes

Today I’ve got a Perfect Game update for you. I don’t know if you play the Perfect Game or not, but it’s something that I promote as a way of being in the flow and letting amazing and extraordinary opportunities come to you.

The way you play is simple. Whatever is offered, you take it. Whatever is suggested, you do it. Whatever happens, you declare it perfect. A lot of people get freaky about that. “Whatever’s offered? Matthew, what if people offer you drugs?” Come on, you’ve got to use discernment here, okay?

Usually someone is offering you things because you’ve been talking and they see that there’s some connection and they’re hooking you up. People suggest things because of what you’ve been saying. I’m not talking about people trying to sell you something, because that isn’t a suggestion.

So whatever is offered, you take it. Whatever is suggested, you do it. Whatever happens, you laugh and you declare it perfect. Open yourself up and say yes.

I look for sort of random, unusual opportunities or things that just come up. A buddy of mine, Phil Tyrone, I think you know him from, his website is 720CreditScore.com. Good friend of mine, known him for a long time, coached with me and he and I have become buddies since.

Phil calls me up out of the blue and says, “A good friend of mine is coming into town. He’s going to a LA Kings game, and he invited me to come, but I couldn’t go.” And he said, “Do you want to go to the Kings game? They’re going to have dinner beforehand. You can meet and hang out.” and I said, “Okay, cool.”

So I just say yes. It was an unusual opportunity, and I said yes. I have no agenda. So, I come walking into this room. We’re meeting in a restaurant beforehand, and I’m overwhelmed. You know, there’s about 19 people at this table. And it’s not just 19 normal people, it’s 19 of the movers and the shakers in my industry. So I’m thinking, “Whoa, wow!”. I sit down and I immediately start connecting with people. I’m asking about them and what they’re up to and what are their goals, dreams and where are they going and what are they doing, etc.

I connect with this one man in particular named Adam. Adam had just finished making a movie, and I was like, “Oh my god, how amazing.” So I’m just finding about this and immediately he’s reciprocating and wants to find out what I’m doing. Well, I’m in the middle of a little side project that I’m doing, is I’m creating a movie codenamed What the Floyd, that is about this 42-year-old man who is having a major crisis and breakdown in his life. And he gets in a car accident and he’s killed. And he has a near death experience and comes back and sees his life in a whole new way. And the whole thing is told with songs that I’m writing with my buddy David Keesee.

So I’m immediately intrigued by the fact that he just finished a film. He did it totally independent. He did it the way that I wanted to do my film. We got to talking, and he says, “Oh my god, I can help.” I was contributing to him, but then he turned around and started contributing to me. I went from confidence level two, that I was going to be able to do this movie the way that I wanted to do it, to now confidence level nine just in a moment!

I was not really out there in the world seeking out people who were going to help me with this. It just fell into my lap. It’s been a side project, background intention. I’ve been writing the songs and things like that, but not really focusing on how we’re going to actually do the production. But it’s an intention. It’s still there. It’s written down that I want to do that.

So the Perfect Game led me straight to it. And the Perfect Game will lead you straight to the things that you want as well. I recommend that whatever’s offered, you take it; whatever’s suggested, you do it; and whatever happens, you laugh and you declare it perfect. Remember to use discernment.

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Let Go of Body Fascination and Be Happy!

I’d like to invite you to release your body fascination, so that you can become a happier human being. Your body is a part of the earth. It’s doing whatever it’s doing. You can certainly manipulate it into different forms, that’s for sure. We’ve seen people become stunning bodybuilders. We’ve seen models sculpt their body and adjust it so that they can be more beautiful for the photographs or movies that they’re in. You can certainly do that.

But the majority of us do not have the patience, tenacity or the persistence it takes to make these huge changes. You know, it can take two, three, four hours a day sometimes to sculpt your body into the shape that you want it to be. And you know what? For most people it doesn’t actually even lead to happiness. Some of the most miserable people that I’ve coached are some of the most beautiful that I’ve ever met. And yet, they’re holding themselves accountable to standards that don’t exist.

I request that you release your body fascination, that you realize that your body is just a part of the earth, that your body is just an animal. It’s really your tool for experiencing this particular event that you call your life. Just take care of it!

Here’s what I wrote down. These are part of my intentions that I have for myself and my body. I wrote down, “I’ve befriended my body, and I enjoy it like a childhood pet. I accept my body’s efficiencies and deficiencies, and I allow it to play out my own genetics. I’ve befriended my body.” See, I treat this hunk of meat like it is a pet. You know, I walk it, I move it, I stretch it. I do all the things. I feed it correctly, because it’s my tool, it’s my apparatus for experiencing the world.

I wrote down, “I move, stretch, stress and stimulate my body every day in some way.” I’d like to invite you to do the same thing. “I honor my body’s impulses and signals and I let it guide me to what it needs.” See, so often I have tried to force my body into some regiment, and it was counter to what the impulses were that my body was sending me. And, ultimately, it led to unhappiness. I was unhappy with my body. I was unhappy with the reactions I was having. I was unhappy that I couldn’t discipline it. I wasn’t going with the flow of the body.

I wrote down, “I am totally free of body fascination and have let go of the need to have my body measure up to standards created by my mind’s fascination to survive and fit in.” See, ultimately, where do these standards come from that you’ve been holding yourself to? They don’t exist in the world. You don’t have to be anything. You get to be what you are, and the perfect aspect of you is exactly what you are. Your mind is judging, assessing and evaluating you based on standards that don’t exist.

Begin to catch what I call the drunk monkey in your head beating you up and holding you to standards that don’t exist. And when you do, you’re going to get much happier.

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