19 Ways Your Inner Child Messes Your Life Up (Revisited)

Back in 2009 I wrote 4 posts that talked about how your inner child messes your life up.  I thought it would be a good idea to revisit them all today.

As a coach, I am confronted with this question on a daily basis,

“How can I feel more happiness and peace in my life now?” 

The answer is simple but most people don’t like the answer.  “Grow up!”  Now I’m not trying to be sarcastic or condescending, hear me out on this one.  Most people are still utilizing behaviors they learned in kindergarten and on the play ground as their tools for success.  And guess what?  It ain’t workin’.

Your so called “Inner Child” isn’t so inner after all.  In fact, it’s quite outer.  One of the most important steps towards happiness and peace is giving up the behaviors you adopted as a child in favor of more conscious, responsible and adult solutions.

Here are 19 ways your inner child messes up your life and ensures you don’t experience happiness and peace.

1.  Self-pity.  Why me?  I’m a victim.  If life was different, then I would be able to be happy!

2.  Jealousy. Being attached to people will make your life miserable.  People will do what ever they do and all you can do is manage your promises, commitments and attitude towards them.  Managing their behavior will only annoy you.

3.  Envy. The Drunk Monkey (your mind) declares, “Now is wrong.  It will be better when you have that stuff over there.”  You will never arrive.  You will never have it all.  We coach people who make hundreds of millions of dollars and they still believe that someday it will all be better when they have more stuff.

4.  Competitiveness. No one is competing with you.  Everyone is trying to get ahead in a world were all the measurements are figments of your imagination.  To compete is to say that there is a way you can be a loser.  You never lose, you just learn.

5.  Temper tantrums. Manipulating people with your anger is something all children learn to do early on.  To continue to use it into adulthood is a guaranteed way to create suffering for you and others.  Most people will opt to not deal with you.  Your life will be small.  You may succeed but your life will be small as in shallow.

6.  Emotional Outbursts. Same thing as above.  If you use this as your way of getting what you want, then you will have a life filled with conflict, struggle, anger and doubt.  You will feel lonely your whole life and not really know why.

7.  Resentments.  If your life is not fulfilling, then this is the number one reason.  This is the highest priority of your Inspired Action Coach.  When you let go of your resentments, everything in your life gets better, and quick.  Standby, I’m going to start uploading some coaching calls where I help people let go of their resentments.

8.  Hatred. The Drunk Monkey loves to hate.  To hate is to demonstrate that you are in control.  To hate is to show the world that you will not be messed with.  But there is one problem.  You get what you focus on.  If you hate, you will bring negative situations upon yourself.  Give it up, today.

9.  Rivalries. To be in a rivalry means you perceive there is a lack of something.  Lack of attention.  Lack of recognition.  Lack of glory.  These are childish misconceptions.  You can always get the attention you deserve.  To be in a rivalry makes sure that you never feel satisfied, even when you win.

10.  Competition. Again.  To compete is to fear that there can only be one winner.  What you seek is the experience you think winning will give you.  Focus on getting that experience and don’t worry about who placed in what order.

11.  Seeking the limelight and admiration. The Drunk Monkey is always trying to be the biggest.  It believes if it is admired by all, then it will survive longer.  It believes if it is admired that it will be able to spread its DNA all over the planet.  Aren’t you ready to grow up?  You are going to die no matter how popular you are.

12.  Willfulness. Isn’t it bizarre how old people display behaviors they developed as 2-year-olds?  Willfulness is just a form of righteousness.  An addiction to being right.  Why?  Because The Drunk Monkey believes that being right will help you survive longer.  It won’t.  It will just make you miserable.

13. Blaming others. To be the victim and not take responsibility is standard protocol for most people.  The truth is, you are not always responsible.  But that’s not a very powerful place to stand.  In the end, there is no blame to be assigned.  There is just the experience you are choosing to have.

14.  Thwarting responsibility. Related to blaming others.  This kindergarten behavior is about declaring yourself powerless.  The only powerful thing to do in your life is take responsibility no matter what.  The person who takes responsibility has options and power.

15.  Making people wrong. This is The Drunk Monkey’s favorite past time.  By making people wrong, you get to be right.  The Drunk Monkey perceives that by being right, you will some how win more favor and stay alive longer.  Maybe you’ll get the more attractive mate if you are more right then others.  Good job, little monkey!

16.  Looking for favor. The class clown.  The know it all.  The helper.  The kiss ass.  They are all looking for favor.  Looking to be more.  Seeking the limelight in hopes of being better then others.  You will get ahead, have it all and still be live with fear and anger if you don’t let go of the idea that something outside of yourself will give you happiness.

17.  Collecting stuff.  The Drunk Monkey believes that more stuff means more life.  By more life, I mean more prestige, more security and more power.  Things do not create any of these effects.  I have seen many clients get the $7,000,000 house and instantly think it is too small or not enough.  Next they are on to the cars, plane and on and on ad infinitum.  What do you think you will accomplish with all your stuff?

18.  Showing off.  It’s all about winning favor and being special for The Drunk Monkey (your mind/survival mechanism).  Apparently The Drunk Monkey believes that if people love and adore it, then it will live longer.  It doesn’t happen and eventually you run out of tricks to show off with.  Then what do you do?  FIND TOOLS TO BE HAPPY NOW.  Good thing you are reading this blog.

19. Petulance. Which means feeling unreasonably irritable or ill-tempered.  Why do we allow ourselves to go down these dark roads?  First of all, no one has ever asked you to question them.  Second, you get so much juice from this kind of behavior.  You get to control people.  You get to manipulate.  You get to be the victim.  All of which messes your life up.

And that does it.  19 ways your inner child messes up your life.  I hope you gained some new awareness from these posts.

How to Let Go of Self Importance

A facebook friend asked, “I wanted to ask you how to break the habit of attention seeking or can say self importance. It feels like everything revolves around me!”

My answer:
Self importance is just the drunk monkey feeling insecure. The drunk monkey (the talking in your head) wants to look good, be right, be powerful, rich ect for one very simple reason. It mistakenly believes that being any of those things will ensure the perpetuation of your genes. Get a mate, have status and be powerful. All this is a feeble attempt to win salvation and live for ever through your spawn. Of course your are already eternal, infinite and valuable. Each person is a whirling vibrating swirl of energy that is organized into this body. Energy never dies. Your salvation is guaranteed. Tell the drunk monkey to stop burdening you with the demands of proving to the world that you are good enough to have sex with and propagate the species. Just start living and enjoying each day exactly as it is. Any way there are nearly 7 billion of us these days so your spawn is not needed

3 Actions That Create Happiness

Over the years, I’ve discovered three actions that can guarantee your happiness. To start off, it’s important for you to know that happiness is a skill that anybody can learn. Most people believe that happiness is some kind of circumference that is outside of yourself. To be happy, many people think that have to own a certain thing, live a certain place, make a certain amount of money, etc. They think, “if this thing happens, then I’ll be happy.” Also, a lot of people think happiness is formula. They need certain events, things, etc to all align in order to be happy. “All I need is the Super Bowl, having a cigar, drinking a drink with a hot girl on my side, man, then I’m happy.”

Those formulas certainly have their momentary hit, but long-term happiness is really just a skill. It’s a shift in the way that you’re thinking about yourself and about your circumstances in life. Nothing needs to change to make you happy.

So here are three actions that you can take that will make you happy. The first action is called devotion. What exactly does devotion mean? It’s a way of being. It’s about being in the moment, and doing what you’re doing in that moment to the very best of your ability. When your operating from that standpoint of really focusing in and doing your best, it will create an extreme sense of happiness for you. If you’re doing the dishes, walking the dog, playing with the kids, hanging out with your spouse, with your friends, whatever it is that you’re doing, focus on that and do your best. You’ll be surprised how much happiness you feel in that moment.

The second is to take actions of service. This is about taking your attention out of your own head. Help others, contribute, make a difference, support something. Anytime that you are able take your focus off of you and out of your head, and move it out there into the world, you will experience a sudden rise in happiness. In other words, consider the following. Your unhappiness is just a self-centered focus. So, by getting your focus out there and serving others, your happiness is going to go through the roof.

The last action to take is appreciation. Look at things in a new way, find what you like about people, find what you like about situations, and find things you like about yourself. This is really the anti-mind. The mind, all that talking in your head, is not focused on what’s right, what’s working, what you like, and what you’re happy about. It’s not focused on that. It’s a survival mechanism, so its job is to look for what doesn’t work and then focus on those things. And that, of course, makes you unhappy. So, work to appreciate your situation, the people around you, and yourself, and your happiness will grow exponentially.

Serve Without an Agenda

Do you feel as though you’re pushing, struggling and forcing for the things you want in your life? I’d like to invite you to serve, contribute and make a difference for others, and do so with no agenda whatsoever. That means you give up that you need to get anything from people at all. The reason to do this is because more you serve selflessly, without any agenda at all, the more prosperity, happiness and peace comes to you.

See, ultimately, everything that you want comes to you naturally, when you’re in complete alignment and focus. And I have seen that getting yourself to a place where you are serving others, that is the place in which you get into total alignment with who you are.

I request that today you give up that need to produce results for the giving that you’re doing. A lot of people who are contributing, for example, to charities, they’re doing it in an unconscious attempt to purchase salvation. They’re thinking “I want to do this good to try to erase some of the bad doing that I’ve done in the past.” Give that up and just give to give.

On top of that, I want you to really focus on giving up your agenda, when you’re out there in the world. Let’s say you’re networking and you meet someone who is amazing. You just want to do things for them, so that you can, ultimately, bind them into doing things for you. Give that up and just do things for people, support, contribute and make a difference, because it makes you feel great. And ultimately trust that, when you feel great and you’re focused on others, what you want comes to you naturally.

What to do When You React Negatively to the People You Love

Recently, one of my clients wrote to me with the question, “What do I do, when I find myself reacting negatively to the people that I love?” And I start by saying, let’s define love. I say that love is acceptance, total and complete acceptance of all people and all situations, at all times. Now, that’s not easy to attain. Why? Because we have built-in reactions that occur, and I think my client put it so succinctly, “I find myself reacting negatively to the people that I love.”

You’ve got to start to look at what you are holding people accountable to. If you’re reacting negatively to someone, it’s because you think that they should behave differently than what you’re getting from them. And if you think they should behave differently, then you’re holding them accountable to something that they never signed up for. So you’ve got to identify these “rules” that you’re holding people to.

The second thing that you want to look at is what’s triggering you. Why are you allowing the drunk monkey in you head to run the show? When I get triggered, I take a deep breath, and I say, “What’s triggering me right now? Am I feeling like I’m going to lose something? Do I feel like I’m going to somehow be embarrassed? Is there something making me feel like I’m going to get hurt in the future?” You need to think about these things because none of those things are true. You’re not going to be embarrassed by other people’s behavior. Now, you might allow yourself to be in a situation where you say, “That person shouldn’t behave like that, and it’s affecting me,” but it’s only because you’re allowing yourself to do that. It’s not the truth. When they behave however they behave, it doesn’t reflect on you, per se. And if, in some way, it cast a shadow on you, through your communication you can dissolve it and you can create a new way for people to see you.

So, ultimately, you’ve got to look at what standards you are holding people accountable to and what is it exactly that you’re reacting to. And if you can see those two things, wow, you can let it go very, very quickly.

Happiness is For Stupid People

I don’t think this is going to be very politically correct, but I’d like to point out that happiness is really for stupid people.  Because those who over think things, can’t be happy.  Thinking, in general, doesn’t lead to happiness.  Ultimately, happiness is a function of no thought, no mind.  When no mind is there, then you are happy.  It is only the mind that gobbles up your happiness, like Pac-Man.  It’s always thinking about this and what, “What about this? What’s going to happen with that?”, etc.

Happiness, my friends, is for those who are committed to moving beyond the rational and moving into the experiential.  I’d like to invite you there.  It’s pretty amazing.

sizegenetics extender