Happiness is a Skill Worth Developing

Dated: date August 25, 2011 – 12:54 pm
Happiness is not only good for your health, according to a study in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences but apparently it’s good for business too.  In his Harvard Business Review article, Shawn Achor sites that happy doctors diagnose 19% faster and happy sales people increase sales by 37%.  He goes on to say, “Happiness is the single greatest competitive advantage in the modern economy.”Over the last 17 years, I’ve seen dramatic business turn-around’s occur in as little as a week.  The only change being an increase in a persons happiness.  The results I’ve witnessed have been dramatic.  My clients on Wall Street made better trades, CEO’s made more profitable decisions and sales people made more sales all with a shift in their mindset, which lead to greater well-being.  Having been trained that correct business systems trumped all human factors, the outcomes that occurred from “enhancing one’s mood” were shocking.As a result, in the late 90s I decided to focus my career on the pursuit of happiness and fully investigate its impact on the success process.  Over a ten year period I found that happiness was a skill that anyone could learn and that happiness was a hidden determinant in success.  Bottom line; when entrepreneurs learn the skills to be happy, they have unexplainable increases in their results.

4 Happiness Skills Anyone Can Learn

There are a set of specific, actionable skills & tools that will cause a person to be happy regardless of the circumstances they find themselves in.  The following is the short list that I suggest to all new clients.

1.  Give up being right.

Most people are addicted to being right and they don’t even know it.  This leads to endless amounts of argument and strife.  To be happy, you must let go of this ineffective habit of thought.
Try this:  Notice that The Drunk Monkey(my nickname for the chatter in your mind) has an opinion on everything including things it knows nothing about.  Opinions are vanities and are always from your perspective.  Your perspective my be right for you, but certainly not for everyone and everything.  And yet, when you pay attention to The Drunk Monkey you see that it actually believes that it is right about almost everything.The desire to be right often puts you into a resistant state which does not lead to happiness.  When you are in a resistant state of mind – trying to prove your opinion is right – you will not be as effective as when you are open to all possibilities.To give up being right, put yourself in the other persons shoes.  Look at the world from their perspective and acknowledge that there are multiple ways to view the situation.  In short, have compassion for others.

2.  Accept the situation as it is and then take action.  

A client of mine found himself in an unpleasant situation.  His company was merging with another company and he was informed that he would be losing his coveted office with the sun shining into the windows that he was accustomed to.  This may sound trivial.  For him, this was the end of a 10 year era and he was very attached to what the office represented in his life.  He had been angry for a week when we finally spoke.  The merger had not yet happened.  Yet, his anger was creating dysfunction in has ability to produce sales results today.  He was suddenly procrastinating on things that were important.  His sales were suffering.In a short period of time I helped him to realize that he was moving no matter how angry he got.  Ultimately he accepted this as the case and promised to stop complaining simply because it was not making him feel good.  Next I asked him a question I want you to ask yourself when faced with adversity, “What are you committed to?”  We shifted his focus to defining what he wanted to create out of the merger.  He described his best case scenario.  As he did, new options began to be illuminated, his mood changed and his energy went up.  Getting happy allowed him to get out of his resentment, see new possibilities and get creative.In the following weeks his sales results returned and he discovered a compromise that would work for his new working environment.  If you don’t accept the situation as it is, you become frustrated, and unhappy, which makes you feel stuck and you can’t move forward.  You literally get blinded to all your available options.

3.  Quit pretending you are a psychic who can tell the future.

Just the idea of a change to his office environment caused him to hallucinate about a future he didn’t like.  Problem is, he’s not psychic so he doesn’t know what the future will hold.  Yet he was suffering, right now, as if the negative future hadalready occurred.  This is a trick The Drunk Monkey plays on people to strip them of their happiness.The Drunk Monkey in your head is not your friend.  As a biological survival mechanism one of its functions is to predict potentially negative situations and then mobilize the body to avoid them.  Problem is, most of your life is not dangerous.  The salesman moving into a new office is not dangerous and yet, The Drunk Monkey invented futures that caused his body to be filled with chemicals that created great stress.  Nothing had happened and yet his life experience had been degraded by a figment of his imagination.Today just remind yourself that you are not psychic and that you can not predict the future.  Work to see the situation with exacting clarity by removing your fear and your opinions.  Next identify what you want to have happen.  Only then will new and interesting possibilities arise.

4.  Stop protecting yourself from people who aren’t attacking you.

A Wall Street executive was managing billions of dollars in assets and yet he felt like nobody listened to him and that he wasn’t important.  This perspective had him feel repressed and defeated.  His positive results didn’t seem to match his

Monkey's got your back

unhappy mindset.  He was making money for his firm and the firm was doing well as a whole.  With further investigation it turns out that he felt like other people in the firm didn’t think what he had to say was important and therefore he was an outsider and not involved in making critical decisions.  He realized that taking on more responsibility was important but felt powerless to do so.

I asked him how he knew this was true.  He told me about incidents that had occurred the year before.  I asked him to give me something that happened this week.  He couldn’t even think of something that had happened in the last six months.  The Drunk Monkey was at it again.

The Drunk Monkey creates generalizations.  Example; you walk over, pet a dog and it bites you.  The next time you see a dog, it shoots your body full of chemicals that put you on the alert.  Do all dogs bite?  No!  But the survival mechanism will steer you clear of anything today that might have seemed dangerous in the past.

This system is great for making sure kids don’t touch the hot stove more then once but it’s terrible for everyday life.  A couple incidents that occurred a year ago that made him feel angry and unappreciated.  Since then, he’s been protecting himself against a whole bunch of people who aren’t attacking him and frankly, don’t even remember what happened.

I asked him to consider that he had changed, they had changed, times had changed, and the world had changed since then.  I asked him if he would be willing to run an experiment to put The Drunk Monkey into place so he could return to happy, fulfilled and satisfied with work.  He agreed.  Here’s what I told him to do.

Instead of trying to keep his ideas safe, instead of wondering how he could move his objectives forward; for the next week, find out what other people were committed to.  See what the other people in the company were working on and discover ways to contribute to each of the people in the company.  Make it a game.  See if you can contribute something to someone everyday for the next seven days.  An idea, a contact, a resource or even just an encouraging word.

Through this process, he shifted from protecting himself from all the people who weren’t attacking him, to being supportive and giving.  Within the year he became one of the most celebrated people in his company.  Everyone wanted to get him involved in their projects.  He was suddenly important.  The next year he was recruited away by a superstar in his industry and made a partner in the firm.  This was a five year dream that came true in one.  The trick was simple, he needed to be the change he wanted to see in the world, just like Gandhi said.

When you are happy, you are creative, approachable, flexible and easy to be with.  Add those characteristics to your skill set and you will see an immediate positive benefit.

Most people believe that happiness is something that occurs when the conditions of life are favorable.  But the truth is, happiness is the skill navigating challenging situations without getting reactive.  If you wait for happiness to find you, you’ll be waiting a long time.  Happiness is an inside job.

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Releasing Negative Energy

Dated: date July 15, 2011 – 8:00 am

In my life coaching practice I often help my clients release negative energy.  When you get in a funk, when you can’t seem to shake a negative feeling, this script seems to help 80% of the time.  Print this post and hang it on your wall for the future.

Negative Energy Release Script

by Matthew Ferry
www.matthewferry.com

I am not a victim of my circumstances.  I am the creator of my experience.  That doesn’t mean I’m the creator of life.  That means I get to decide how I feel and what I experience in any given situation.  I release all victim energy, take a deep breath and focus on what I want.

I don’t hold on to grudges.  Grudges are like picking up a hot coal to throw at someone else.  It only hurts me.  I am not committed to being in a negative state.  Even though I find myself going there automatically.  My goal is to catch myself in the act and divert my attention.  I am committed to feeling good and being in Harmony with all of life.  It’s not easy.  But that’s my goal. I release grudge energy.

I do not allow myself to go into the energy of hatred.  Sometimes I go there but I realize very quickly that this is not the energy I’m committed to.  So I let it go and I let it go now.  I realize that everybody is doing the best they can. It’s no up to me to determine how people should behave or how life should go.  I am practicing being at peace with the way that life is.  I’m practicing allowing life to be exactly the way it is and then, making the best of the situation.  I release any and all hatred energy.

I release my greed.  I am not in a state of lack.  I may not have the money that I want.  I may not have the things that I want.  But that doesn’t mean I am in a state of lack.  I am simply in a state of desire.  I want more then what I have.  That is a normal position to be in.  My needs are being met.  The basics of my survival are being covered.  Everything beyond that is a bonus.  Therefore I have lots of bonuses in my life now and I’m looking forward to a lot more.  I release my fear of not having enough.  I release greed energy.

Some of my beliefs no longer work for me.  I release unusual laws that I’ve picked up during this life time.  I examine whether a belief works for me or not.  I do not hold myself or others accountable to agreements that they never made.  I release myself from any and all unreasonable laws, beliefs, ideals, standards or principles that do not work for me.

I release victim energy
I release grudge energy
I release hatred energy
I release greed energy
I release unusual or unreasonable laws.

I am 100% whole and complete within myself, right now.

 

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3 Spiritual Perspectives That Accelerate Your Life

Dated: date March 30, 2011 – 8:00 am

When you apply spiritual perspectives to your life, everything accelerates. Your life gets way better, very fast. Here are 3 words to focus on this week.

Willingness: Can you find the joy in what you do? Let go of anything you are resisting. Be willing to do what you are doing 100%. All in. No holding back. It feels amazing when you do. When you feel like that, you are magnetic and attractive to what you want. What you want will come to you very fast. But you have to let go of the resistance. Which leads me to the second word.

Acceptance: Acceptance means you admit that you are not the ruler of the universe. Acceptance means that you allow people and situations to be the way that they are. Practicing acceptance gives you incredible freedom and flexibility. When you are not accepting, you are in resistance. What you resist will persist. This will increase your frustration which is a repelling state. What you want will not come to you when you are resisting. Acceptance transforms and allows you to move something from its current state to something better. The third word is…

Non-attachment: This means that you don’t get involved with other peoples drama. Non-attachment is not being passive, its actually fully participating without being reactive. You don’t allow yourself to get emotionally entangled in other peoples bull shit. It’s not being aloof. It’s not apathy. With willingness and acceptance you are fully engaged but unaffected by the drama.

Very powerful way to operate in the world. Try it today.

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3 Actions That Create Happiness

Dated: date March 4, 2011 – 10:31 am

Over the years, I’ve discovered three actions that can guarantee your happiness. To start off, it’s important for you to know that happiness is a skill that anybody can learn. Most people believe that happiness is some kind of circumference that is outside of yourself. To be happy, many people think that have to own a certain thing, live a certain place, make a certain amount of money, etc. They think, “if this thing happens, then I’ll be happy.” Also, a lot of people think happiness is formula. They need certain events, things, etc to all align in order to be happy. “All I need is the Super Bowl, having a cigar, drinking a drink with a hot girl on my side, man, then I’m happy.”

Those formulas certainly have their momentary hit, but long-term happiness is really just a skill. It’s a shift in the way that you’re thinking about yourself and about your circumstances in life. Nothing needs to change to make you happy.

So here are three actions that you can take that will make you happy. The first action is called devotion. What exactly does devotion mean? It’s a way of being. It’s about being in the moment, and doing what you’re doing in that moment to the very best of your ability. When your operating from that standpoint of really focusing in and doing your best, it will create an extreme sense of happiness for you. If you’re doing the dishes, walking the dog, playing with the kids, hanging out with your spouse, with your friends, whatever it is that you’re doing, focus on that and do your best. You’ll be surprised how much happiness you feel in that moment.

The second is to take actions of service. This is about taking your attention out of your own head. Help others, contribute, make a difference, support something. Anytime that you are able take your focus off of you and out of your head, and move it out there into the world, you will experience a sudden rise in happiness. In other words, consider the following. Your unhappiness is just a self-centered focus. So, by getting your focus out there and serving others, your happiness is going to go through the roof.

The last action to take is appreciation. Look at things in a new way, find what you like about people, find what you like about situations, and find things you like about yourself. This is really the anti-mind. The mind, all that talking in your head, is not focused on what’s right, what’s working, what you like, and what you’re happy about. It’s not focused on that. It’s a survival mechanism, so its job is to look for what doesn’t work and then focus on those things. And that, of course, makes you unhappy. So, work to appreciate your situation, the people around you, and yourself, and your happiness will grow exponentially.

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Just Say Yes

Dated: date March 3, 2011 – 10:33 am

Today I’ve got a Perfect Game update for you. I don’t know if you play the Perfect Game or not, but it’s something that I promote as a way of being in the flow and letting amazing and extraordinary opportunities come to you.

The way you play is simple. Whatever is offered, you take it. Whatever is suggested, you do it. Whatever happens, you declare it perfect. A lot of people get freaky about that. “Whatever’s offered? Matthew, what if people offer you drugs?” Come on, you’ve got to use discernment here, okay?

Usually someone is offering you things because you’ve been talking and they see that there’s some connection and they’re hooking you up. People suggest things because of what you’ve been saying. I’m not talking about people trying to sell you something, because that isn’t a suggestion.

So whatever is offered, you take it. Whatever is suggested, you do it. Whatever happens, you laugh and you declare it perfect. Open yourself up and say yes.

I look for sort of random, unusual opportunities or things that just come up. A buddy of mine, Phil Tyrone, I think you know him from, his website is 720CreditScore.com. Good friend of mine, known him for a long time, coached with me and he and I have become buddies since.

Phil calls me up out of the blue and says, “A good friend of mine is coming into town. He’s going to a LA Kings game, and he invited me to come, but I couldn’t go.” And he said, “Do you want to go to the Kings game? They’re going to have dinner beforehand. You can meet and hang out.” and I said, “Okay, cool.”

So I just say yes. It was an unusual opportunity, and I said yes. I have no agenda. So, I come walking into this room. We’re meeting in a restaurant beforehand, and I’m overwhelmed. You know, there’s about 19 people at this table. And it’s not just 19 normal people, it’s 19 of the movers and the shakers in my industry. So I’m thinking, “Whoa, wow!”. I sit down and I immediately start connecting with people. I’m asking about them and what they’re up to and what are their goals, dreams and where are they going and what are they doing, etc.

I connect with this one man in particular named Adam. Adam had just finished making a movie, and I was like, “Oh my god, how amazing.” So I’m just finding about this and immediately he’s reciprocating and wants to find out what I’m doing. Well, I’m in the middle of a little side project that I’m doing, is I’m creating a movie codenamed What the Floyd, that is about this 42-year-old man who is having a major crisis and breakdown in his life. And he gets in a car accident and he’s killed. And he has a near death experience and comes back and sees his life in a whole new way. And the whole thing is told with songs that I’m writing with my buddy David Keesee.

So I’m immediately intrigued by the fact that he just finished a film. He did it totally independent. He did it the way that I wanted to do my film. We got to talking, and he says, “Oh my god, I can help.” I was contributing to him, but then he turned around and started contributing to me. I went from confidence level two, that I was going to be able to do this movie the way that I wanted to do it, to now confidence level nine just in a moment!

I was not really out there in the world seeking out people who were going to help me with this. It just fell into my lap. It’s been a side project, background intention. I’ve been writing the songs and things like that, but not really focusing on how we’re going to actually do the production. But it’s an intention. It’s still there. It’s written down that I want to do that.

So the Perfect Game led me straight to it. And the Perfect Game will lead you straight to the things that you want as well. I recommend that whatever’s offered, you take it; whatever’s suggested, you do it; and whatever happens, you laugh and you declare it perfect. Remember to use discernment.

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Let Go of Body Fascination and Be Happy!

Dated: date March 1, 2011 – 12:57 pm

I’d like to invite you to release your body fascination, so that you can become a happier human being. Your body is a part of the earth. It’s doing whatever it’s doing. You can certainly manipulate it into different forms, that’s for sure. We’ve seen people become stunning bodybuilders. We’ve seen models sculpt their body and adjust it so that they can be more beautiful for the photographs or movies that they’re in. You can certainly do that.

But the majority of us do not have the patience, tenacity or the persistence it takes to make these huge changes. You know, it can take two, three, four hours a day sometimes to sculpt your body into the shape that you want it to be. And you know what? For most people it doesn’t actually even lead to happiness. Some of the most miserable people that I’ve coached are some of the most beautiful that I’ve ever met. And yet, they’re holding themselves accountable to standards that don’t exist.

I request that you release your body fascination, that you realize that your body is just a part of the earth, that your body is just an animal. It’s really your tool for experiencing this particular event that you call your life. Just take care of it!

Here’s what I wrote down. These are part of my intentions that I have for myself and my body. I wrote down, “I’ve befriended my body, and I enjoy it like a childhood pet. I accept my body’s efficiencies and deficiencies, and I allow it to play out my own genetics. I’ve befriended my body.” See, I treat this hunk of meat like it is a pet. You know, I walk it, I move it, I stretch it. I do all the things. I feed it correctly, because it’s my tool, it’s my apparatus for experiencing the world.

I wrote down, “I move, stretch, stress and stimulate my body every day in some way.” I’d like to invite you to do the same thing. “I honor my body’s impulses and signals and I let it guide me to what it needs.” See, so often I have tried to force my body into some regiment, and it was counter to what the impulses were that my body was sending me. And, ultimately, it led to unhappiness. I was unhappy with my body. I was unhappy with the reactions I was having. I was unhappy that I couldn’t discipline it. I wasn’t going with the flow of the body.

I wrote down, “I am totally free of body fascination and have let go of the need to have my body measure up to standards created by my mind’s fascination to survive and fit in.” See, ultimately, where do these standards come from that you’ve been holding yourself to? They don’t exist in the world. You don’t have to be anything. You get to be what you are, and the perfect aspect of you is exactly what you are. Your mind is judging, assessing and evaluating you based on standards that don’t exist.

Begin to catch what I call the drunk monkey in your head beating you up and holding you to standards that don’t exist. And when you do, you’re going to get much happier.

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