In the life coaching process I am constantly confronted with my client’s relationships not working. I say it over and over, “Your partner isn’t anything until you show up! If you change your approach, they will change in a blink of an eye.”
I just spoke with a client who is on the verge of divorce. He is blaming her! “She’s this! She’s that! I can’t deal with it!” he says over and over to me.
“That’s total bull sh**!” I say to him. “You put her with a group of people who accept her behavior and agree with her perspective, she will be loving, affectionate and kind… It’s all you dude!”
Here’s the bottom line. His Drunk Monkey (his mind) has declared him the all seeing, all knowing ruler of the universe. Clearly he knows best. Obviously everyone should change their behavior to meet his expectations. My client has declared himself the Lord of the Universe and his declaration is killing off his relationship.
He is unconscious of his righteous position. He doesn’t “think” she is wrong. He “knows” she is wrong. He has mistaken his beliefs for natural law. Very common. All wars are based on this eronious notion that what you think is right and valid. What you think is just what you prefer. What you prefer is what you were trained (like a dog) to believe was right by the group that raised you.
***Step One To Creating Relationship Ecstasy***
Recognize that you are unconscious. Notice how you are your Drunk Monkey’s puppet. You are reacting. Your spouse/partner (what ever you want to call it) is behaving in ways that contradict your opinion. Your opinion is the source of suffering, not your partners behavior. They are just doing what they are doing and you are reacting. Which, by the way, causes them to react back. Which you then use as validation that you are right! “See! She’s doing it again!” you say. But what is your Drunk Monkey really saying “I’m a powerless little victim and if I bitch, moan and cry then people will pay attention to me and validate my significant existence.”
The moment you become conscious, you can choose your reaction and the relationship will instantly get better. Your partner will not have done a thing. It’s all you.
One Comment
I have signed up for the Thursday 7/10 teleconference however, I will be at a business convention and am not sure if I will be able to get away.
I will not bore you with the details however, I have wanted a divorce since June of 2006. We have been in marital therapy since Oct of 2006 and in May of 2008 the therapist just said get a divorce. I do not want get divorced and find out it was a mistake (we have been married for 30 yrs) and yet I do not want to live the rest of my life like this now that the kids are gone.
Things I have read and you have said sound like a path. Something else, I kept asking the therapist to help us “go forward” help me to fall back in love, reconnect.
So, that is what it seems you are doing “going forward”.
Look forward to the process, Donna Skrypek