What to do When You React Negatively to the People You Love

Recently, one of my clients wrote to me with the question, “What do I do, when I find myself reacting negatively to the people that I love?” And I start by saying, let’s define love. I say that love is acceptance, total and complete acceptance of all people and all situations, at all times. Now, that’s not easy to attain. Why? Because we have built-in reactions that occur, and I think my client put it so succinctly, “I find myself reacting negatively to the people that I love.”

You’ve got to start to look at what you are holding people accountable to. If you’re reacting negatively to someone, it’s because you think that they should behave differently than what you’re getting from them. And if you think they should behave differently, then you’re holding them accountable to something that they never signed up for. So you’ve got to identify these “rules” that you’re holding people to.

The second thing that you want to look at is what’s triggering you. Why are you allowing the drunk monkey in you head to run the show? When I get triggered, I take a deep breath, and I say, “What’s triggering me right now? Am I feeling like I’m going to lose something? Do I feel like I’m going to somehow be embarrassed? Is there something making me feel like I’m going to get hurt in the future?” You need to think about these things because none of those things are true. You’re not going to be embarrassed by other people’s behavior. Now, you might allow yourself to be in a situation where you say, “That person shouldn’t behave like that, and it’s affecting me,” but it’s only because you’re allowing yourself to do that. It’s not the truth. When they behave however they behave, it doesn’t reflect on you, per se. And if, in some way, it cast a shadow on you, through your communication you can dissolve it and you can create a new way for people to see you.

So, ultimately, you’ve got to look at what standards you are holding people accountable to and what is it exactly that you’re reacting to. And if you can see those two things, wow, you can let it go very, very quickly.

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Your Happiness Changes the World

Something that I want you to notice is that nobody else is really ever changing. What is changing is your perspective or point of view. So many of my friends who are engaged in the Inspired Action Weekly program are radically changing their point of view, and they’re becoming so much happier, so much more attractive, so much more productive.

One of the things that we do in the Inspired Action Weekly is we report once a week on what’s going on. So many of the reports are, “My relationship with my spouse is so much better. She’s changed. He’s changed. My kids, they’re becoming these amazing people.” And I keep sending back replies, “No, they’re not. They were always this way. It’s you changing your perspective. You’re becoming more accepting, more appreciative, more honoring.”

When you’re happy, when you’re satisfied, when you’re fulfilled, when you’re lit up, when you’re excited about life, everyone around you seems better. But they’re not. They’ve always been this way. It’s just that, when you’re down, glum and bummed out, everyone around you seems the same way. The world is a reflection of you. It’s mirroring your attitude, your ideas, your thoughts back to you. You see yourself in others.

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Improve Your Family Relationships

Happiness, ultimately, comes down to family. A Pew research project, from the Pew Research Center, did a 44-country study. They found that the biggest factor in happiness, across the board with people, was family. Many people struggle with family relationships. Who do you need to forgive so that you can engage your family more deeply? What do you need to give up?

In my audio coaching series, “Ridiculous Bliss,” I talk about what you need to do to let go of the negativity about your family members, so that you can engage them again, and get back to that place of love, harmony, and peace. What do you need to let go of?

See, nobody else needs to change to make you happy. The only thing that needs to change is your opinion. Your opinion is holding you hostage, not your family members. Just notice how you have opinions about things that you know nothing about, and that you have opinions about things that aren’t even the truth. You’re holding your family members accountable to agreements that they never even made.

You may be thinking, “Well, my parents should be like this.” The word “should” is a word from a victim. “Should,” “have to,” “must,” “need.” Those are nothing more than words of a victim. Give that up so that you can be in harmony with the people around you, and watch your happiness soar.

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Dr. Diana Kirschner Interview

This is another one of my interviews with someone YOU need to know! Dr. Diana Kirschner is the author of Love in 90 days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love, which is a best selling book all about how to find love. Her story is really amazing. Dr. Diana was socially phobic and mute as a child! She was born into a Sicilian immigrant family as the 5th daughter to a father who only valued boys. This caused her to have serious self-esteem issues and as a young adult to have problems in dating and finding love. She studied how to create self love and love with a partner, got a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and has helped thousands of singles find love. She also was able to become happily married. This is a great interview for any of you out there who need relationship help or who are looking for love!! You can find Dr. Diana on her web site, http://www.lovein90days.com/

Click the audio play below to listen to this fantastic interview!!
[audio:http://matthewferry.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/Dr.-Diana-Kirschner-Interview.mp3|titles=Dr. Diana Kirschner Interview]

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How to Instantly Improve Your Relationships

If you want to be happier, more fulfilled and satisfied in life, then you need to stop holding people accountable to agreements they’ve never made. You know, you were raised by a group of people who basically conditioned into you. You were domesticated to believe that you should walk like this, move like that, talk like this, be like that, think these thoughts, see the world in this way, but you never chose the way that you are.

You never chose it. And because you never chose it, it isn’t necessarily the truth for you. And yet, you get mad when people don’t see the world the way that you see it. You get upset when people don’t behave the way that you think they should behave, like you’re the all-knowing, all-seeing being of the world, like we should all bow down to your infinite wisdom.

Give that up. The truth is you have no idea how the world is supposed to be, and yet, you’re holding people accountable to agreements that they never made. And the only person who suffers is you.

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Other People Do Not Cause Your Suffering

There are no jerks in the world until you show up. Do you get that? People aren’t anything until you label them and give your opinion about what they are. What we don’t like in people is what we’re unwilling to accept about ourselves.

So every time I work with someone, and they start to talk like, “Well, I don’t like this, and I don’t like that. He’s a jerk…” I ask them to start to examine themselves – who they are. Who is the person that is making the complaints? We find out that the person making the complaints actually has those same complaints, in some way, about themselves.

It’s usually an issue about themselves, but they’re unwilling to admit it. There are no jerks in the world until you show up. You’re the one that declares them a jerk, and you can declare them anything you want. Your resistance is what causes you to suffer, and your suffering is caused, ultimately, by your opinion. So why not change your opinion so that you can feel good? You change your opinion, you change your life.

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